The darkest place.

Oh, to find the grace that lives at the bottom of the darkest place.

Oh, soul, to find the grace that lives at the bottom of the darkest place is to find the grace that can survive the most unbearable conditions.  It is to find the rarest of all graces, it is to find the grace that very few humans ever touch and see.  It is to find a grace that burns with the brightest light, that is able to glow with no outside influence, that needs no external encouragement or nourishment to survive, but fuels itself without end.

Full.

There’s a part of me that can’t focus today. I can’t do anything, because I’m so caught off guard by this fullness that is bubbling up inside of me.

As I sit here alone in this coffee shop all I can think is that I am all here.  All of me.  And what a shock that is.  After all the loss, after watching the people be taken from me that I could not live without, after feeling essential parts of me be torn out, how can it be that I am all here?

How can it be that no part of me is missing?

Dreams and casting cares and classes

It’s been a few sleepless weeks (cause work), but it’s wrapped up with a few sleep-filled days (cause exhausted).

Last night was filled with chaotic dreams, images and words so haunting and real that I woke up disoriented, not sure what was fiction and what was fact.

I launched myself into my first week of ‘teaching’ again this morning, by leading a remote version of the class I’ll be teaching on Sunday nights (starting tonight! join!): grief. loss. disappointment.

Welp.

Welp.  The water looks cold and frigid, so I guess I’ll jump on in.

True story: when I stepped back from ministry it was a relief.  Don’t get me wrong, it coincided with one of the more painful chapters of my life, but there was also a sense of finally being free from the expectations and anticipation of rejection that inevitably come with standing at the front of a room and talking about your life & Jesus.

It’s been a while now, and every now and then people ask me – when will you teach again? Counsel again?

The thing I want most in all the world

Sometimes God and I play the game where I tell Him what I would want most in all the world. If I could ask for any one thing, and I didn’t think about what was best, and if I was just being a kid, what would I even ask for?  For these past few years, the answer has been fairly consistent.

I want unity.

I want unity with a million people and a handful of very specific people.  I want unity with the people I see and the people I’ll never see again.  I want unity within the Church and I want unity with the Church and those outside the Church.