thinking things about life and Jesus and stuff
I forgot all this.
I forgot that grief is not a linear experience. I forgot that just as you think you’re at the finish line you’re really just at another starting line.
It goes round and round and some days in month 3 you wake up and find yourself in day one. And everyone else in all the world works in a normal timeline where month 3 means month 3. And it’s so exhausting and confusing: to try to understand how everyone can be okay when everything is so not okay.
And you feel left behind.
So thankful to all those God gave to help me prep and to pray for Him to move on Tuesday night during my time with the women from Breakaway.
Romans 1:11-12 kept ringing in my head as I drove to College Station on Tuesday.
For I long to see you, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you—that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith, both yours and mine. (Romans 1:11-12, ESV)
I love Valentine’s Day. Thanks to my dad and to sweet friends growing up I always associated V-Day with expressing love to those you love, (and not just romantically). 
But everyone has a different Valentine’s Day experience. With that in mind, here are three things I’m trying to do as I navigate today:
(1) Give grace.
Give grace to people who hate V-day. Give grace to people who love it. No one is trying to personally diminish your singleness by going on a date tonight. No one is trying to devalue marriage with their skepticism about February 14.
Thursday night was one of those nights.
You know the kind. Racing pulse and mind snowballing at a terrifying speed: replaying past events and planning for future ones.
I texted a friend in a panic:
Everything feels so out of control.
And the response came:
Get some sleep.
My first instinct was to push back. How could I sleep right now? Do you even know what hangs in the balance? I have to DO something!
I know I need to write a blog post.
I would say I even want to write a blog post.
But time and energy are two things that cannot seem to get in the same room at the same time right now.
I have thoughts – whirling in my mind – thoughts about God and His righteousness and His goodness and His sovereign rule. I have thoughts about grief and darkness and what it looks like to care for people in the middle of this mess of life. I have thoughts about doubt and unbelief. I have thoughts about the Word of God; the sword of the Spirit that is an anchor to the soul when the waves wash over you with a force you never dreamed.