Because I can’t wait.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING.

That’s basically how I feel about trying to do ministry stuff on my own.  I’m a fairly confident person, but something about doing this stuff alone makes you feel weird and unsure in ways I’m surprised I feel.

But this December has my heart all…renewed.  I am watching fruit come from things I wrote in dark days.  I’m sharing my Jesus; I’m sharing the curves of His face as He has revealed them to me and the soft and solid sound of His voice in the night; and the feel of His hand gripping mine. I made Advent to give that Jesus away.

He cares.

Argh.  My heart is so full today it keeps catching me off guard.

I started writing a post I’d planned to share. About why you hear so many people say the holidays are hard and how our bodies keep score of losses – and they ‘celebrate’ anniversaries even when we don’t want them to.

But that blog will have to wait.  Because today’s it just a little bit of a love fest.

A love fest for the one who turned water into wine.  Even though it wasn’t yet His time.

Numbers (or why fabs will be writing more blog posts).

There’s a question I used to be sure of that now I’m not.

Is 3 better than 1?  Is 10 better than 3?  Is 100 better than 10?

Look, we all ‘know’ in the Church that numbers aren’t everything, but these days, I’m starting to wonder if numbers aren’t nothing.

We get that they don’t mean everything: that a stadium can be full and people can be flocking to a thing that has nothing to do with God.  We know that people love to belong and they love to be a part of movements and that a miracle doesn’t have to happen for them to show up where others do.  We have learned that a full room doesn’t mean a movement of God.

Maybe

The truth is, I’m not good with ‘maybe’s. I love me a ‘yes’. I can handle a ‘not yet’, and I’ve even gotten better at receiving a ‘no.’ But is anyone else exhausted by the ‘maybe’?

When God gives a ‘yes’ we offer thanksgiving. When He hands us a ‘not-yet’ we navigate it with endurance and patience.  When we hear the dreaded ‘no’, like Jesus we grieve, surrender and accept. But a ‘maybe’? What’s the right response to a ‘maybe’?

Death days

July 9.

It seems appropriate that my last post was about piles of stones, because I woke up today realizing I do have them.  I do have ebeneezers floating around to remind me of the ways I’ve been delivered.  My piles of stones are dates on the calendar.  Dates that remind me of faithfulness. Dates that remind me that when the bottom falls out and you fear the free fall, another ledge will catch you somewhere in the dark.