There are moments in my life where I feel like I just kind of leave my body and float above my head. It’s like there are two versions of me. There’s the real version, who feels tired and mundane. Then there’s the version above my head, watching everything unfold. That version of me has the camera running and the soundtrack all picked out. That version of me is recording every second so that when the magic of the moment is finally revealed in light of eternity, I’ll have captured it all on film.
Boy. I sure am weird.
Last Wednesday night I was awake a little later than usual. (Those of you who know me know that my preferred bed time is around 7:04 PM. However, that’s not practical or realistic so I try to settle for 9:32 PM. Recently, life is attempting to sabotage me and so I’ve been forced to go to bed in the ‘double-digit’ hours. Blick.)
Last Wednesday I actually stayed up so late that I missed the double-digits and found myself back in single digit zone.
It takes a lot for me to be up past midnight. Here are the things that will keep me up late:
- a family emergency
- international travel
- a really great conversation with a friend
- working at the Austin Film Festival (seriously. Johnny Depp. Get your badge NOW)
- a great movie
After Wednesday I can add one more thing to that list: a call to get over myself and be spent for the Gospel.
Last Wednesday, at 1 AM I spent around 38 minutes on the phone with someone who I think is actually going to change the world. Not just theoretically, not metaphorically. I think she is literally going to change the world.
I think she senses that too, but sometimes she feels like Moses: inadequate.
I feel inadequate too. I feel inadequate because of my sin and my past and my present. But I can sense that there are places in my heart where I feel absolutely adequate and I’ve been around the Gospel long enough to recognize that those are the real red flags. The places where I feel fully competent and able are the places that reveal my true Achilles heel.
At first glance my arrogance seems like the opposite of insecurity which is dumb because it is really the exact same thing. Whether it plays out as arrogance or timidity the root of both is a big view of self and a little view of God.
The conversation at 1 Am wasn’t about our insecurity. It was about God. And when you talk about God, insecurity just seems less of an issue.
It was neat. It was neat to hear someone say: I know you’re insecure and self-obsessed. I know you stutter. But get over it. God is real and we’re here and souls are hanging in the balance and He really doesn’t need us to bring anything to the table in order for Him to suck glory out of every ounce of our lives.
I’m going to call you to the same thing today.
I know there are deep places in your heart where your insecurity is making you a slave, either to fear or arrogance. I know that the thought that you might fail is keeping you from sharing the gospel with your coworkers. Your desire to be right and display how much you know is preventing you from considering your spouse as more significant or loving your friends through their sin.
Right now – look up at Him. Through His Spirit in faith, get over it. Take your eyes off yourself and fix them on the truth. Looking at God provides a better view than looking at yourself.
But Moses said to the LORD, “Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue.” Then the LORD said to him, “Who has made man’s mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak.” But he said, “Oh, my Lord, please send someone else.” (Exodus 4:10-13)
Don’t be confused. Moses wasn’t humble. He had too big a view of self. He really thought that he was able to diminish the glory of God. He really thought that a stutter could distract from God’s majesty.
Our weakness cannot overcome His strength.