1 AM phone calls & insecurity.

There are moments in my life where I feel like I just kind of leave my body and float above my head. It’s like there are two versions of me.  There’s the real version, who feels tired and mundane.  Then there’s the version above my head, watching everything unfold.  That version of me has the camera running and the soundtrack all picked out.  That version of me is recording every second so that when the magic of the moment is finally revealed in light of eternity, I’ll have captured it all on film.

Boy. I sure am weird.

Last Wednesday night I was awake a little later than usual.  (Those of you who know me know that my preferred bed time is around 7:04 PM.  However, that’s not practical or realistic so I try to settle for 9:32 PM.  Recently, life is attempting to sabotage me and so I’ve been forced to go to bed in the ‘double-digit’ hours.  Blick.)Pinned Image

Last Wednesday I actually stayed up so late that I missed the double-digits and found myself back in single digit zone.

It takes a lot for me to be up past midnight.  Here are the things that will keep me up late:

  • vomiting
  • a family emergency
  • international travel
  • a really great conversation with a friend
  • working at the Austin Film Festival (seriously.  Johnny Depp. Get your badge NOW)
  • a great movie

After Wednesday I can add one more thing to that list: a call to get over myself and be spent for the Gospel.

Last Wednesday, at 1 AM I spent around 38 minutes on the phone with someone who I think is actually going to change the world.  Not just theoretically, not metaphorically.  I think she is literally going to change the world.

I think she senses that too, but sometimes she feels like Moses: inadequate.

I feel inadequate too.  I feel inadequate because of my sin and my past and my present.  But I can sense that there are places in my heart where I feel absolutely adequate and I’ve been around the Gospel long enough to recognize that those are the real red flags.  The places where I feel fully competent and able are the places that reveal my true Achilles heel.

At first glance my arrogance seems like the opposite of insecurity which is dumb because it is really the exact same thing.  Whether it plays out as arrogance or timidity the root of both is a big view of self and a little view of God.

The conversation at 1 Am wasn’t about our insecurity.  It was about God.  And when you talk about God, insecurity just seems less of an issue.

It was neat.  It was neat to hear someone say: I know you’re insecure and self-obsessed.  I know you stutter.  But get over it.  God is real and we’re here and souls are hanging in the balance and He really doesn’t need us to bring anything to the table in order for Him to suck glory out of every ounce of our lives.  

I’m going to call you to the same thing today.

I know there are deep places in your heart where your insecurity is making you a slave, either to fear or arrogance.  I know that the thought that you might fail is keeping you from sharing the gospel with your coworkers.  Your desire to be right and display how much you know is preventing you from considering your spouse as more significant or loving your friends through their sin.

Right now –  look up at Him.  Through His Spirit in faith, get over it.  Take your eyes off yourself and fix them on the truth.  Looking at God provides a better view than looking at yourself.

But Moses said to the LORD, “Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue.”  Then the LORD said to him, “Who has made man’s mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak.” But he said, “Oh, my Lord, please send someone else.” (Exodus 4:10-13)

Don’t be confused.  Moses wasn’t humble.  He had too big a view of self.  He really thought that he was able to diminish the glory of God.  He really thought that a stutter could distract from God’s majesty.

Our weakness cannot overcome His strength.

7 thoughts on “1 AM phone calls & insecurity.

  1. (Sigh, Sigh).
    Thank you for this Fabs. For the last two weeks I’ve been struggling with this idea of overcoming my imperfections, over and over. Until I realize it’s impossible. And then I get depressed, because I don’t feel capable or worthy of anything.

    While reading your post, God made me realize I am supposed to be imperfect. If I was ‘perfect’ (if that was actually possible), would I seek Him? If I was ready to do everything He commands me to do, would I really learn? Why is it that it’s SO easy to be self-obsessed??! We live in a world that is like that. But we belong to world that is God-obsessed.

    So, it’s not about me and my qualities or flaws. It’s about Him and His plan and how perfect He is. God doesn’t want us to spend each second of our lives pursuing perfection, He wants us to pursue HIM. Change will come as a natural result of that. That’s why I can rest.

    Thank you for writing this. Seriously. Thanks.

  2. “Don’t be confused. Moses wasn’t humble. He had too big a view of self. He really thought that he was able to diminish the glory of God. He really thought that a stutter could distract from God’s majesty.” well…if this isn’t a word from the Lord, I don’t know what is. I’ve been insecure lately about stuttering and fear not articulating things clearly. God is great enough to overcome this.

    Thanks for writing this.

  3. Thank you for sharing. The word about confusing our lack of confidence with humility has been strong on my heart lately too. I live in a boardinghouse with about 40 other people, and only 3 of us are evangelical Christians – the rest being lapsed Catholics or people of other faiths that they brought from their homelands. I’ve been praying and fasting for them for weeks, but still find it hard to speak even when I have the opportunity.

    Thanks also for everything else on your blog, Fabs! As a guy who is only 18 months from my 40th birthday and has no family at all, I need to focus on the Lord every day, and I’m blessed by all your encouragement!! God bless you heeeeaaappppsss!!!!!

  4. Well, I will say that I sometimes am discouraged. When I hear others speaks about their experiences it sometimes make me feel inadequate, insecure. It deals with the attention that a man gives me or the lack of it. If someone was to ask me, “when was the last time a man pursued you?” I would have to truthfully say years ago and before that incident there was none. I’m not old at all; I was born in the very late 80’s. It used to confuse me at times why I get absolutely no attention from guys, at times I feel like it is a conspiracy. It is just too abnormal. I thought of so many reasons of what could be wrong with me, but there was always other girls who had ‘xyz’ and still had a guy’s interest, courting, or married. I just don’t get it. Another disparaging fact is that Christian guys never, ever, ever give me the slightest hint of attention, just doesn’t happen. I always feel like the outcast girl. Maybe I’m just boring, I don’t know. If I could understand it I’m sure I would be able to cope better. It would be nice to be able to not quince when some girl insists on having a bubbly conversation about the guys pursuing her (has pursued her) that is just ‘soo tough’ to deal with. I’m tired of having to be the grandmother- I mean friend giving advice to girls about some guy but never knowing what it means to have a guy pursue me like that. For the longest I thought something was wrong with me. Why am I completely invisible to the opposite sex, I don’t think I will ever know. I don’t think that this will ever changes for me, so I want to know how to deal with it. I guess it would be rude to tell my friends I don’t want to hear about the woes of having a guy or multiple guys pursuing you. So I just want to have a good outlook on this, I want to have peace and joy instead of self-pity and insecurity.

    1. Alexi-anne,
      oh my word. you are not alone. i’m well older than you and never had a guy pursue me or show any interest in me. ever. that means that i’ve never had a boyfriend much less even a first date. But God planned that for me, and He’s planned your journey for you. yes, it’s frustrating to hear all of your friends share their joys and their sorrows regarding their relationships, and the wait for God to fulfill the desire for a mate can seem so unbearable, but He has the best plan for our lives and His timing is perfect. our friends may not understand why we’re still single, and I know that’s true by what you shared and is the same for me, but we were made in God’s image so there isn’t anything wrong with us, we aren’t outcasts even though we feel this way, a lot. we are where God wants us to be. right here. right now. trusting Him. walking side-by-side with God, and allowing Him to love us and change us to be more like Him. my brother-in-law made a wise point to his daughter when she asked why I was still single, “God is a jealous God and He doesn’t want to share Melinda with anyone else yet. His timing and purpose is perfect, and He’ll provide the guy He’s chosen for her when He’s ready for them to meet/see each other.”
      I know it’s hard to be on this path, but you’re not alone. God is with you and there others, like me, that are on this journey ahead of you. you’ll make it. pursue God and He’ll draw you closer to Himself. He’ll fulfill this dream if and when He chooses to. trust Him. He won’t rip you off. He loves you too much to let you to stay where you are and/or in the pity party of 1 that we tend to throw for ourselves.

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