3 things I’m not going to say today.

Happy birthday to my sweet sister.

My sister was born on my dad’s birthday.  So, if you can do the math you can see that today is also my dad’s birthday.

Facebook is my worst enemy today.  Not only does it keep prompting me to say ‘happy birthday’ to my dad, it also enables me to see all the birthday wishes that people keep leaving on his wall.

I’m sure I could just avoid Facebook entirely, or at least his page, but I’m drawn to it like a moth to a flame.

I’m just not good at this.

You may be thinking: who is good at death?  But honestly, it seems like a lot of people are.  It seems like a lot of people have the Facebook death protocol down.

From what I gather there are three main approaches for first birthday’s with missing parents:

1. The heaven approach. 

This is where you write a heartwarming birthday message to your parent up in heaven.

“Happy birthday dad, I know you’re looking down on me from above.”

My issue with this is that if my dad is with Jesus, I’m pretty convinced he’s looking at Jesus.  I love my dad, and I love all you sweet people, but when I stand before God I’m going to be thinking about God.  I’m going to be looking at God.

I’m not trying to say it’s ‘wrong’ to think that your parent is looking down on you from Heaven.

I’m just not ready to bank my comfort on something that is only potentially true.  On days like this, I gotta be standing on things that are guaranteed.

2. The fond memories approach. 

Thinking of my dad today, we had some great times together. 

I like this, I’m just not there yet.

I’m not ready for this one.  I’m not ready to talk about my dad like I talk about good friends from college . I’m not ready to talk about my dad like he’s a memory.

My heart just isn’t really on board with that.  My heart keeps trying to remind me to talk to my dad today.

Silly heart. I don’t know how to bring that pesky guy into reality.

3. The sad approach. 

Missing my dad today. 

Argh.   Tough one.  This one is the closest to the truth, but I feel weird saying it.  Mainly because 1000 of my ‘nearest and dearest’ will read it and I guess I’m worried they’ll assume I’m being attention seeking, and you know what, maybe I am.  I can’t make you any guarantees that I’m not.  My heart is not above using even my dad’s death to get love.

The Truth

So, what am I supposed to write?  I just want to write and I want to cling to what I know is true, but he only thing I can think of might sound lame.

God is good.

Obviously, that’s not a lame statement.  But I guess I’m worried that it doesn’t quite convey what I’m feeling.  I use the word good when I talk about the TV show 24.

I need a better word.  I need a word that conveys what I mean:

God is good.  He is sweet and gentle and for me and I can feel that today with every fiber of being.  He knows me, really knows me.  And He’s with me, really with me.  He’s safe and strong and steady and He’s all around me and throwing reckless and radical promises at me and sharing the deepest parts of Himself with me through His Word and He’s fighting for me when I’m too weak to fight and He’s holding me when I’m too weak to stand.

He’s deep and good and mine.

So, I guess I won’t write anything.  And I guess that’s okay.  Because what’s true is true, even when it’s not on Facebook.

6 thoughts on “3 things I’m not going to say today.

  1. Praying for you today, Fabs. Your posts have sat in my inbox for weeks at a time so that I can read those “things to get you through today” and the many promises of God over and over again. Thank you.

  2. Thankyou for sharing you heart and insight, and over the internet. My Dad passed away very suddenly 4 years ago and just when I think I’ve gone through another kind of grief period, another comes along and knocks my feet from under me. Father’s day has just gone past and it can be hard to not feel jipped that everyone else get’s to spend the day in closeness with their dads, and hard to focus on the truth that God is good, because he is.
    A side from this isssue I love that I have stumbled on your blog. Your insights are so encouraging, I have a very similar understanding of things. The only thing is you have an incredible way of putting those thoughts and ponderings into something more articulate. Thankyou

  3. Last year, I lost my cousin in June whose birthday was Sept. 15th. A couple weeks later, my friend of 10 years died at age 26 after succumbing to head injuries sustained in an accident where his car was t-boned. I could not explain how gut-wrenching the reality of it was, and that 2 months later his birthday would roll around. He was all over FB, and so are his pictures, videos, music, and it still hurts a year later.

    It’s still taking me a while to come back to God and to love Him the way I used to, and the way you still do. I still flit between faith and doubt on His goodness, but mostly His existence. I cannot imagine not having my father right now. I don’t know what I would do. I will say a prayer for you tonight, as I have to do for so many before I sleep. Loss just seems everywhere, very heavy and present.

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