All it takes is a week.

Monday morning I sat in my office and listened to a friend cry about feeling lost and overwhelmed in the wake of losing her dad.  My heart was broken, but I was also thankful.  I was grateful that I had survived my identity crisis stage; that it was behind me.

I should have known right then what my week had in store.

By Monday night I was having an unusual amount of anxiety about teaching on Tuesday morning.  When I say anxiety I should clarify: I wanted to die.

I sent a text to some friends asking for prayer, and when I woke up at 5 AM on Tuesday, I felt a little better.

My lesson was on perseverance.  Oh, the irony.  I shared about how we mustn’t be deceived: our hard and unbelieving hearts are prone to wander and we must exhort one another today because God has ordained our exhortations, our prayer, His Word as the means of our perseverance.Drifting Away

With tears rolling down my cheeks, (unexpectedly I might add), I explained to the women that perseverance is my favorite doctrine.  Election explains how I came to love Jesus all those years ago, but the doctrine of perseverance explains how I love Him today and guarantees that I’ll love Him tomorrow.  And that’s a promise I need.  I know my heart is prone to leave the God I love and His great hold on me is the only hope I have of finishing this race.

After that lesson, my week got a little worse.  By the evening I was sending out invites for a pity party.  It was a festive gathering: I sat in a cafe and wept as my friends tried to encourage me that I am known and loved. A mere 24 hours after I thanked God for sparing me from an identity crisis I found myself having an identity crisis.

Wednesday morning I was incapacitated by allergies, making thought or prayer seemingly impossible.  When I woke up from my haze late Wednesday afternoon, all that stretched before me was an impossible to do list and an overwhelming sense that I wouldn’t make it through the night without some form of comfort.  I ignored God’s whispers to come to find rest in His arms and fled instead to anything that would lesson the dull aching sense that life was too much: TV, sleep, friends, food.

This morning my self-medication had its full effect. I woke up with a hardened heart: dull and unfeeling; unresponsive even to His Word.  I had wanted to stop the pain, and I succeeded in numbing my heart.  A hollow victory indeed.

As I drove to work my lesson from Tuesday was playing in my mind.  And I kept thinking: Is this all it takes?  Is 48 hours all it takes to fall away from the living God?  

In His great grace, I arrived at work and was forced to sit in my teaching lab class, where His Word was spoken over and over again to my hardened heart, cracking the shell.  In His great grace, I left that class to go to another appointment, where I sat with two friends who exhorted me with Scripture and transparency.  In His great grace I left that appointment to meet with a friend who pointed me to all that God is doing in our lives.  In His great grace, I left that appointment to meet with a counselor who reminded me of deep and abiding truths.

That’s my Thursday so far.  If my day had held one less word of encouragement I would not be persevering.  But in His great grace, because I am His, He kept His promise to finish what He started and He wrote into my day all that I need to make it through with faith intact.

Thanks to His great grace, I live to fight another day.  Thanks to His great grace, Jesus is still the passion of my heart.  Thanks to His great grace, I can tell you this truth: the hardening of the heart does not take years.  It only takes days, hours, or minutes even.  Unless we are swimming upstream, we are drifting away.

May God pull you back from the edge while it is still called today.

9 thoughts on “All it takes is a week.

    1. thank you – my heart needed this reminder! it’s been that kind of a week for me, too, and i’m surprised (why?) at how little i’m hanging onto truths i shared with others just a week ago. how little i’m hanging onto jesus. praise him for not letting go of us…

  1. looks like we’re having ‘that week’ thank you for writing this, really put some yellow in my grey :)# still cloudy with a chance of sunshine 🙂

  2. Oh I am so glad you shared as I had a pretty lousy week faith-wise too! I was home for the week and ignored God completely and felt so lost. Back to ‘normal’ life again now and I picked up my Bible again this evening…so thankful for His grace with me in this.

  3. Wow. I feel as though you wrote this for me. I am the girl reeling from the loss of her dad, but I’m also the girl who can see her heart hardening and feeling bewildered about how to go about finding footing to weather the “identity crisis.” Thank you for writing this and the reminder of perseverance. I feel as though I just saw a beacon of light in the darkness I feel I’m drowning in.

    1. Ugh. I know that the waters are swirling around you, but take heart. God is with you and has you firmly in hand.

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