Anonymous: Day 5

Im in a weird place.

I feel loved and unloved, safe and insecure, hopeless and hopeful, pursued and forgotten all at once. It’s a lot to feel….enough to make a girl go to bed at 7pm on a Friday night. I don’t want Jesus but I want him. I don’t want to read his word but I want to. I want to ┬áhate his word but I love it. I want to love his word but I hate it. I want to love his people but its hard to love people who are not perfect. I want to love his people but its hard to love people who are too perfect to be relatable.

I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I’m feeling too many feelings. I’m told I’m depending too much on myself and on my works. So, I added that to my list of stuff to work on- to stop feeling that way. it didn’t work, I failed. I added that failure to my list of failures and felt worse.

I’m having a hard time believing Jesus really is sufficient. That he really is all that I need. I’m having a hard time believing that I really am a new creation – it seems like those promises are for other people, not for me. I want to fight to believe those promises but I don’t feel like fighting. I feel defeated. I feel tired. I just want to sit on my couch and watch TV….I also want to feel alive again – excited to work, excited to fight, excited to explore. But I don’t. My promised joy is hiding somewhere and I don’t have the fight in me to find it.

Somewhere, in a dark corner of my heart, hidden away so as to avoid additional attacks or harm – is the little tiny bit of fight I have left. I’m using that little bit of grace to ask God to make me want him. To help me feel and know the depth of his love so that I long to know him better, so that I can’t wait to spend more time learning all about this God in his word. So that I long to be with his people and demonstrate his love for them. So that I long to be with his people so I can see his love demonstrated for me. I’m praying God will warm up my icy, stone cold heart or- actually – just throw that one out all together and give me a fleshy one – a heart like his. A heart that wants what is good and right and pure instead of heart that wants to dwell in the achy places and die.

This is taking just about everything I have – this is all the fight that I have left in me. The rope has ended, I’m set between the rock and the hard place and the breathable air is running out. I’m dying.

I hope that means there is new life ahead.

One thought on “Anonymous: Day 5

  1. I probably could have written this blog post on any number of days recently; life can really knock the wind out of your sails sometimes. I know our stories are not the same, so I’m shying away from offering words of “advice.” Instead, I’ll just let you know that I’m praying for you – praying that the Lord softens your heart, that you have wise people around to talk to, and that you know, even in the midst of struggle, you are loved far more than you could ever imagine.

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