Im in a weird place.
I feel loved and unloved, safe and insecure, hopeless and hopeful, pursued and forgotten all at once. It’s a lot to feel….enough to make a girl go to bed at 7pm on a Friday night. I don’t want Jesus but I want him. I don’t want to read his word but I want to. I want to hate his word but I love it. I want to love his word but I hate it. I want to love his people but its hard to love people who are not perfect. I want to love his people but its hard to love people who are too perfect to be relatable.
I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I’m feeling too many feelings. I’m told I’m depending too much on myself and on my works. So, I added that to my list of stuff to work on- to stop feeling that way. it didn’t work, I failed. I added that failure to my list of failures and felt worse.
I’m having a hard time believing Jesus really is sufficient. That he really is all that I need. I’m having a hard time believing that I really am a new creation – it seems like those promises are for other people, not for me. I want to fight to believe those promises but I don’t feel like fighting. I feel defeated. I feel tired. I just want to sit on my couch and watch TV….I also want to feel alive again – excited to work, excited to fight, excited to explore. But I don’t. My promised joy is hiding somewhere and I don’t have the fight in me to find it.
Somewhere, in a dark corner of my heart, hidden away so as to avoid additional attacks or harm – is the little tiny bit of fight I have left. I’m using that little bit of grace to ask God to make me want him. To help me feel and know the depth of his love so that I long to know him better, so that I can’t wait to spend more time learning all about this God in his word. So that I long to be with his people and demonstrate his love for them. So that I long to be with his people so I can see his love demonstrated for me. I’m praying God will warm up my icy, stone cold heart or- actually – just throw that one out all together and give me a fleshy one – a heart like his. A heart that wants what is good and right and pure instead of heart that wants to dwell in the achy places and die.
This is taking just about everything I have – this is all the fight that I have left in me. The rope has ended, I’m set between the rock and the hard place and the breathable air is running out. I’m dying.
I hope that means there is new life ahead.