I laid in bed last night and tried to open my heart to Him. I tried to tell Him what I was feeling and articulate what I was longing for or aching for but there was just this sadness. A weariness. So I closed my eyes and went to sleep banking on new mercies.
And here they are to meet me. Not in the way I would prefer, which is waking up feeling good and clear and excited about the week ahead.
I am writing my Thesis. Right now. Well. Not this second, but I was a few seconds ago, and I will be again in a few more seconds. But I’m taking this moment, to use words to help me remember to breathe and rest and not waste these last few days before I’ll hit send and wrap up my stint as a Masters student.
Dear Fabs,
I know you hate it. I know you hate that panicky feeling that sets in when you watch people leave the conversation and you know you won’t be able to control what they do next. I know you hate that fierce flash of anger that floods your soul and offers to protect you from the fear you actually feel when you hear what someone else is saying about you; how they’re telling your story with words that feel wrong and inaccurate.
The list of things I don’t have time to do today include write this blog post. But I’m a “p” (as in ENTP) – which means I need inner world organization before I can have outer world freedom, and writing – well, it’s my way of organizing the inner world and hopefully it will help me with that pesky outer world today.
First thing –
Courage.
That is the thing I ache for. the thing that I lack that keeps me up at night.
I am not afraid of physical dangers (except serial killers and great white sharks – BUT IT IS RIGHT TO FEAR SUCH THINGS). I am not afraid of bugs. I am not afraid of sadness. I am not afraid of relationships.
I am afraid of being belittled. I fear the feeling of littleness that comes from having dignity stripped away. Your voice being taken from you. Not being heard or believed. I am afraid of that happening to people I love and I am afraid of that happening to me.