On Friday morning it finally happened. Austin’s summer heat collapsed under the weight of clear skies and cool(er) temperatures. October and March, offer Austin the kind of weather that explains why us locals are willing to endure horrific summers and pathetic winters. On Friday, all across the city people wrapped that weather around them and headed to Zilker park and listen to glorious music wash over them at ACL Festival. And instead of running to join them, I got in my car and drove to ‘work’. (Well, my version of work – speaking at a retreat.)
The fear is always there. It lurks just below the surface prodding and pushing, demanding and dragging me places I don’t want to go.
I’m not afraid of death.
I’m afraid of life.
I’m afraid of waking up to a world I reject. I’m afraid that the words ‘it won’t always be like this’ are hollow and void of any real power. I’m afraid that the next bend in the road will lead me somewhere darker than death. I’m afraid of being unknown, unwanted, rejected and alone. I’m afraid that the next time someone asks me how I am doing I will tell them the truth and then I will have to watch their eyes widen and their face flush before I make a joke to relieve the awful pressure of reality pushing down on us both.
So thankful to all those God gave to help me prep and to pray for Him to move on Tuesday night during my time with the women from Breakaway.
Romans 1:11-12 kept ringing in my head as I drove to College Station on Tuesday.
For I long to see you, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you—that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith, both yours and mine. (Romans 1:11-12, ESV)
Thursday night was one of those nights.
I texted a friend in a panic:
Everything feels so out of control.
And the response came:
Get some sleep.
My first instinct was to push back. How could I sleep right now? Do you even know what hangs in the balance? I have to DO something!
This is the longest I’ve gone without posting on my blog in literally years.
Things are getting a little out of hand over here.
I just need life to take three giant steps backward and give me room to breathe. Looking at my schedule, looking at my to-do list I can feel the panic rising up inside of me. I hear the chime of another email arriving in the inbox each moment. Did you get that thing done yet?…I need to talk to you!…Have you had a chance to…