Letter to an anxious heart

Dear Fabs,

I know you hate it. I know you hate that panicky feeling that sets in when you watch people leave the conversation and you know you won’t be able to control what they do next. I know you hate that fierce flash of anger that floods your soul and offers to protect you from the fear you actually feel when you hear what someone else is saying about you; how they’re telling your story with words that feel wrong and inaccurate.

Courage

Courage.

That is the thing I ache for. the thing that I lack that keeps me up at night.

I am not afraid of physical dangers (except serial killers and great white sharks – BUT IT IS RIGHT TO FEAR SUCH THINGS).  I am not afraid of bugs. I am not afraid of sadness. I am not afraid of relationships.

I am afraid of being belittled.   I fear the feeling of littleness that comes from having dignity stripped away.  Your voice being taken from you.  Not being heard or believed.  I am afraid of that happening to people I love and I am afraid of that happening to me.

Lent 16-20: discipline win

Well, if you’re paying attention you noticed that I certainly have NOT been posting daily.  In fact, it took me an embarrassing amount of time to figure out which day of Lent this is supposed to be.

There was a time when I would have called this (sort-of-jokingly and sort-of-not) a failure.

But those days are happily a thing of the past.

The goal of writing every day was two fold: (1) doing something me and Jesus both value – and doing it together.  (2) prioritizing something that is important to me (writing).  Prioritizing it today, instead of thinking that a magical time is around the corner when writing will just happen into my schedule.