Hello again.


It’s been awhile.

Where have I been? Here. And a million miles away.  Sitting at my computer in coffee shops typing words I longed to shout from the rooftops. And curled up in my bed cowering in caverns of darkness and corners of fear.  Facing dragons I suppose I’ve been preparing to fight all my life – facing the rejection I was assured would not wait for me. Facing failure. Facing isolation. Facing me. Facing Him.

Words I thought I’d never share

Every now and then, I click the ‘drafts’ tab on my “ALL POSTS” page out of a desire to diminish the disturbing number of posts begun and never completed.  

My drafts folder is a graveyard of thoughts.  Thoughts that I never had the time to flesh out or thoughts that I lacked the discipline to fully birth. And sometimes among the words that never made it – I find a draft that I don’t even remember writing, but that still feels so achingly familiar to me somehow.  

What is there to say

I want to speak now. I want to speak while the chaos and confusion is breaking through our apathy and waking us up to the reality that something is wrong. I want to speak and add my voice to the cries that are rising up around me.

I want to speak now. But what is there to say?

Trapped in this body of pale white skin, what can my breaking heart say that will help? That I understand? That I know how it feels? Obviously not. I feel pathetic even typing those questions on this page. Still, I have buried a brother who was shot down because of similar reasons.  I have held his weeping wife and will help raise his son. And I have seen the glory of God rise up from spilled blood more than once.

Healing on His terms

You know what I hate?  Apathy.  It cuts you off from people and from God and it does it in such a sneaky way that you actually don’t even care about being cut off.  The promise of joy is no incentive to apathy; it doesn’t care.  The threat of discomfort is no deterrent to apathy; it is indifferent.

I want to be healed from apathy.  And I know God wants that for me too.  Which begs a question: if God cares so much about me being healed and free from my sin, why doesn’t He just wave a hand over my head and heal me from it?

Well, when you say it like that…

Sometimes I feel like I would devote my whole life to destroying idolatry in myself and others.  But then other times I wonder, do I have an idol discrimination issue? Are there idols I hate and idols I’m willing to invite over for tea?

Here’s the litmus test for me today from the Word of God: do I want people to worship God even if it costs me my glory, even if it causes me discomfort?  Or am I willing to allow, even encourage others to serve idols if it benefits me?

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After Solomon’s rule, the people of God divide into two kingdoms, with two kings: Jeroboam and Rehoboam.

Jeroboam is thrilled about his new role as King.  The only problem he has is that the Temple, (where people can go to offer sacrifices to God), is in Rehoboam’s kingdom.  Jeroboam is nervous that if the people go back there to worship, then they might get ideas about returning and his time as king would be over. So, Jeroboam makes two calves of gold and he puts them up in his kingdom and he tells the people “Behold your gods, O Israel, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt.”

Messed up, dude. Messed up.  Seriously, Jer.  You’re so concerned with your kingship, your glory, your interests that you would actually facilitate God’s people worshipping idols?

When you read this is sounds INSANE.  It is so clearly horrifically offensive to God and you can see the darkness of the human heart.  When you see a guy building golden calves for people to worship because he’s so insecure about his interests, it’s really clear that that’s pretty sinful.

And this is why I love the Old Testament. It’s full of stories that make you go: uh, what?? And then you realize that they’re this really clear external picture of what is going on internally in all of us.

Our New Testament lives are full of stories like this if we have eyes to see.

Sandra & Ted have two kiddos: Suzy and Lucy. Suzy is wrestling with what she believes. She often finds herself asks her parents ‘why’? with a genuine hunger the understand the heart behind the rules her parents give.  Sandra is often embarrassed by the questions Suzy asks and Ted is infuriated by them, viewing them as disrespectful.  Lucy, Suzy’s sister, on the other hand, worships her mom and dad.  She is desperate to please them and is terrified of their disappointment.  Sandra and Ted often joke about the convenience of her people-pleasing tendencies.  They point to Lucy as an example for Suzy. 
As for Ted and Sandra’s house, they will serve the approval of mom and dad because it makes their reign and rule a lot easier.

Joseph was working on a new book about finances.  He was thrilled at the content, convinced it was from God and could really help set people free from their love of money.  6 months before his book was to be released he saw a book in Barnes and Noble with the exact same content.  It was doing tremendously – on the best seller list – and everyone was raving about it. Every time he heard someone mention it he felt resentment bubble up in his heart.  Every time he heard another story of how someone was feeling free of their love of money, he was annoyed.   
Joseph would rather people worship the idol of money for an extra six months, than see them be set free through someone other than himself.

Bob often brags to the guys at work about his wife.  She puts his and the kids needs consistently first, always making sure everything gets done.  One night she confesses to him that she hasn’t spent time in the Word for months and she can’t remember the last time she felt close to God.  She is fearful that she is falling away from God.   Bob comforts and encourages her telling her she is the best wife and mom in the world and that God is really pleased with her service.  She doesn’t need to worry so much about that kind of stuff.  After all, isn’t loving one another fulfilling the whole law?  Isn’t caring for people well the only thing that really matters? 
Instead of being willing to do whatever it takes to help his wife prioritize her worship and intimacy with God, Bob is willing to watch her worship the idol of family as long as he benefits from her idolatry.

Well, when you say it like that…