Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Oh how fleeting this all is.  This life.  It is in fact just a breath.

One of the people you sit with at the table today will have to endure the loss of everyone else at that table.

I know. I know. So depressing, Fabs.

But is it?  Isn’t it what makes this all so beautiful?  Isn’t it those who were once sick that are so thankful for health?  The rest of us take it for granted.  Isn’t it those have lost homes and possessions so thankful when they once again have a place to lay their heads?  The rest of us feel entitled to our pillows. Isn’t it those of us who know that these bodies we can wrap our arms around today will one day be dust – aren’t we the ones who hold a little tighter?

Fitting Jesus in the jar

What a strange feeling it is, to sit in a place you love and know that all of your life makes sense on paper, but to feel so strangely out of place or out of sorts, adrift and at sea.  This feeling can mean a few things for me.  It can mean I have something I need to grieve, something I haven’t processed, or a dream that I am gripping a little too tight that’s causing me to subconsciously withdrawal from Jesus.

But sometimes it’s just that I miss my friend, Jesus. I wish He was here with me. I wish I didn’t let stupid things crowd Him out.

Weary and restless and ready

Sometimes, when I can’t pray, I write.  It’s a step that sometimes helps me find the thing that is stuck in my heart, the thorn that is keeping me from Him.  Sometimes it’s sin, sometimes it’s just confusion, sometimes it’s pain.

What I know today is that there is this restlessness inside my soul, that is shifting around more and more each day, making me too uncomfortable to ignore for much longer. Sometimes it feels like an ache, sometimes like rage, mostly like desperation.

Jesus or His bread?

I laid in bed last night and tried to open my heart to Him. I tried to tell Him what I was feeling and articulate what I was longing for or aching for but there was just this sadness.  A weariness.  So I closed my eyes and went to sleep banking on new mercies.

And here they are to meet me.  Not in the way I would prefer, which is waking up feeling good and clear and excited about the week ahead.