What a great gift this life is and what a strange surprise it is for me to type those words. These are newer and fresher feelings for me, but I am believing more and more in the rewards of gratitude and contentment that can only be found on the far side of the long journey of grief.
Sometimes, when I can’t pray, I write. It’s a step that sometimes helps me find the thing that is stuck in my heart, the thorn that is keeping me from Him. Sometimes it’s sin, sometimes it’s just confusion, sometimes it’s pain.
What I know today is that there is this restlessness inside my soul, that is shifting around more and more each day, making me too uncomfortable to ignore for much longer. Sometimes it feels like an ache, sometimes like rage, mostly like desperation.
I laid in bed last night and tried to open my heart to Him. I tried to tell Him what I was feeling and articulate what I was longing for or aching for but there was just this sadness. A weariness. So I closed my eyes and went to sleep banking on new mercies.
And here they are to meet me. Not in the way I would prefer, which is waking up feeling good and clear and excited about the week ahead.
I was watching a reality TV show last week and there was a woman on the episode who kept telling another woman she had forgiven her and that she loved her even though it was so obvious that she wanted nothing to do this woman because of what she had done.
I kept shaking my fist at the screen. I guess I’m a little bit weary of people confusing words with realities. As if saying ‘I forgive you’ means we forgive someone. As if saying “I love you” fulfills that command.
Speaking of self-care (which we sort of were), i’m about to go ride a horse.
I started riding again last summer and it was one of the best decisions I made in 2016. Here are a few reasons I love it (and here are a few things I encourage you to look for in a self-care activity):
It wasn’t for anyone else.