thinking things about life and Jesus and stuff
I forgot all this.
I forgot that grief is not a linear experience. I forgot that just as you think you’re at the finish line you’re really just at another starting line.
It goes round and round and some days in month 3 you wake up and find yourself in day one. And everyone else in all the world works in a normal timeline where month 3 means month 3. And it’s so exhausting and confusing: to try to understand how everyone can be okay when everything is so not okay.
And you feel left behind.
I know I need to write a blog post.
I would say I even want to write a blog post.
But time and energy are two things that cannot seem to get in the same room at the same time right now.
I have thoughts – whirling in my mind – thoughts about God and His righteousness and His goodness and His sovereign rule. I have thoughts about grief and darkness and what it looks like to care for people in the middle of this mess of life. I have thoughts about doubt and unbelief. I have thoughts about the Word of God; the sword of the Spirit that is an anchor to the soul when the waves wash over you with a force you never dreamed.
I wish I could take you back there with me: kneeling on the floor in that studio as I listened to my friend defend the Gospel with a fierceness that I have rarely seen in her soft sweet spirit.
I wish I could explain to you how laughter blended with tears bubbled up as I spoke the deepest, most authentic words of my days, laying on the floor of a hotel and begging God to save the world.
[Day 1 of 7in7 turned out to be a different kind of day 1. Day 1 of a different world. Day 1 in a world without a dear friend.
Thank you for all the prayers and love.
God is good and glorious.
I will write when I am able. I honestly do not know when that will be.
In the mean time, if anyone wants to guest post for me, just shoot me an email. 
Seems appropriate to share an excerpt from this post.]
[I wrote this a while back on a particularly crazy day and - ironically - I never had the time to post it.
I'm not sure it even makes sense now, but I'm hoping that today is the day that one of you out there needs to hear that now is the time.]
It’s now.
It’s now, when somewhere between my throat and my belly button there’s this swarm of anxiety gaining momentum…
It’s now, when I am behind on everything and panicky and desperate…
It’s now, when I’m scraping my fingernails down my life, trying to find something to grasp onto that will save…