Confession #5:
When I sin, I sometimes feel confused about how Jesus could love me
Man. This is a kicker. This is that confession that reveals those places inside your heart that act like they’ve never heard the Gospel. I hate this confession. I hate that feeling or thought when it rises up in my head or my heart. My thoughts rebuke my feelings: ‘fabs?! do you even KNOW the Gospel?!’
But that crazy pharisee and the prodigal tag team this one. My prodigal self is so afraid of not being accepted that I can’t even see the truth. My Pharisee self can only image that I have value when I’m perfect. And the combination is deadly and hinders repentence and faith in a deadly and deceiptful way.
When my failure causes me to question how Jesus can love me I reveal that somewhere within me I believe that at some point my successes made me worthy of Jesus love. When my failure makes me wonder how He can stay with me I basically proclaim that I think it’s my actions that give me value before God; I announce to Him that I reject the Cross as my assurance of salvation and instead cling to my own righteousness (the very same thing that disqualies people from entering His rest).
I understand feeling inadequate and unworthy of Jesus love. But I have to take hold of the truth that my unworhtiness and inadequacey isn’t lessened when i’m doing everything ‘right’. It’s lessened – it’s REMOVED – by the righteousness of Christ. And that doesn’t change. That doesn’t change when I fail or falter. So, how can my assurance before God? Unless that assurance is really based on how well I’m doing, in which case I’m just using Jesus as a cover story for a religion that is really of my own making.
Not sure if I’m making sense. Bottom line. I am saved because Jesus has saved me by His perfect life and perfect death. He saved me because I can never be righteous on my own. He saved me because I cannot earn God. And when I try to earn right standing with God, I reject Jesus (plus I will fall short and miss the mark every time). So, knowing all this, when I fail, the Gospel teaches me to cling to the Cross. If I am sure Jesus loves me when i’m doing it right but confused about why He loves me when I’m doing it wrong, I reveal that in my heart I am leaning on my own works to gain me Jesus’ love rather than the Cross. I think it’s my ‘doing it right’ that secures me His love. I reject the Gospel.
God forbid. Seriously, please. Jesus – forbid that my heart should do that.
