Sometimes I leave places just to test if I’m missed
I love that part in the prodigal sons when the eldest son leaves the party. And by love I mean hate. Because it’s the story of my life. In that moment when I feel insecure or afraid I just kind of shut down. And I retreat into myself and I sit there, aloof, dying for someone to notice enough that they’ll come after me.
I’ve had a day like that today. It’s been the kind of day when I feel so irrelevant and isolated that I find myself testing my closest friends by retreating from the ‘party’ to see if I’ll be pursued. The thing is, that would be fine, if their pursuit was really the thing that gave me security, identity; it would be okay to hide to test how much folks loved me if the heart of love was really found in the seeking. but it’s not. Because the story of the prodigal son isn’t a story of a father and two sons. It’s the story of THE father and His children. And He has left the party to found me, and He is done it in such an extravagant way so that I never have to wonder, I never have to feel insecure about how recklessly He loves me.
I just pray that He’ll keep coming after me. Cause my heart sure is prone to wonder. Bind it to you.