Confession #9 [of a prodigal pharisee]

Confession #9

I sometimes feel anxious about confessing my sin to others

I’m a pretty good confessor.  I mean, as far as confessors go.  I kind of love telling people about how black my heart is – paritally because the prodigal is almost proud of how far from ‘good’ I am, and partially because it makes me feel better to have someone tell me that they don’t doubt my salvation just because of how badly I’ve failed.

Confession is one of my top fills.  I love it.  Clearly.  I have a blog about it.  So this ‘confession’ is a little surprising.  But the thing is, I love confessing sin that is ‘accepted’.  Then there’s the other sin – the kind that isn’t ‘acceptable’.  The kind that’s not covered with vauge words like pride, but the kind that involves hateful feelings manifested in hateful thoughts or actions.  The kind that you would rather not remember got placed on Jesus on the Cross, cause the thought of my Jesus being held accountable for sins as black as mine is kind of unbearable.

My anxiety about confessing certain sin to people doesn’t just stem from an inability to reconcile how black my heart is; this anxiety is rooted in a lie that somehow the forgiveness in Christ is less valuable than the forgiveness found in man.  This anxiety is rooted in the horrific reality that I don’t fear the judgement of God as much as the judgement of my coworkers or employers or friends.  This confession is rooted in the lie that to be cleared of my sin I need approval from people instead of God.  

Basically, people – bosses, coworkers, friends – are more real to me than God.  I fear their responses to certain sin as if my worth is found in them thinking I’m this amazing Christian girl.  

I work at a church.  And sometimes I feel like a hypocrite.  Because something about working for a church makes me feel like I’ve advertised myself as this Christian girl who loves the Lord and pursues Him at every moment and in every detail with an unfailing faith.  

And, in the words of the musical i’m very excited to see in August –  ‘I’m not that girl’.  I love the Lord – by His grace.  And if I wake up and love the Lord tomorrow it won’t be because of my heart, it will be because of Him.  And if I wake up and love the Lord this weekend it will be a gift from Heaven above.  Everything I am is prone to wander.  Everything in me is prone to leave this God I love.  And let me just confess to the world that there is nothing I am not capable of and there is no sin to filthy to be on my resume.  

And I’ll press in to believe that your forgiveness (friend, boss, coworker), while delightful and full of grace, is not the forgiveness that sustains my life.  The forgiveness that gives me breath I have already received.  The forgiveness that sets me free from the shame and guilt that haunts my every step has been freely given.  God is just and faithful to forgive and cleanse me from all unrighteousness.  

There is no anxiety for those who are in Christ Jesus.  

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