It’s been a few sleepless weeks (cause work), but it’s wrapped up with a few sleep-filled days (cause exhausted).
Last night was filled with chaotic dreams, images and words so haunting and real that I woke up disoriented, not sure what was fiction and what was fact.
I launched myself into my first week of ‘teaching’ again this morning, by leading a remote version of the class I’ll be teaching on Sunday nights (starting tonight! join!): grief. loss. disappointment.
I left this morning’s class encouraged and energized and challenged: haunted by this dream and what it means and the thought that I still have work to do, after all this time. By proclaiming things out loud to these women brave enough to face their pain, I was being challenged and pushed further to face my own. It’s almost as if imparting my spiritual gift to them made us MUTUALLY encouraged by each other’s faith. (who knew!?)
These things that haunt my dreams are burdens so heavy and hopeless that I cannot bear them. That’s just a fact. I have not cast them, because they feel too heavy to cast. To cast them you must feel them, you must name them, you must talk about them, you must be brave enough to face them. Instead, I have locked these things up so deeply, that they only have space to moan in the darkness of my subconscious when I am too exhausted to control my dreams.
Cast your burden on the Lord and He will sustain you.
Oh Church, when did we start to think that being sustained felt like having no burden? When did we start to feel the weight on our shoulders and feel the flash of fear that we are not faith-filled?
Oh Fabs, when did you start to behave as if persevering was possible without pain?
How did we miss this truth, that sustaining is evidenced – is sourced in – casting burdens on Him? Which means (1) feeling our burdens (2) (in the words of the psalmist), complaining and moaning to God (3) believing that He will deal with it.
Be sustained today by caring about messed up things, by hurting over painful wounds, and by telling God about it all. Be sustained today by asking Him to fix the things so broken that you have begun to believe they cannot be healed.
Be sustained today by falling apart.