I woke up this morning feeling it in every part of my body. The stress starts in the pit of my stomach and bubbles up through my vertebrae, infecting my muscles.
I honestly couldn’t tell you what I am stressed about. Work has been busy, there are tasks unfinished with immovable deadlines, there are so many tops spinning that one is going to fall on my watch, but honestly – I’m no stranger (and some might say I even enjoy) the chaos of this kind of work. I’m behind on projects desperately important to me (stay tuned for grief videos!), but agin, that’s nothing new.
I snuck away this morning, crept into a quiet corner of this city and tried to snag an uninterrupted minute with my True and Faithful Friend. And we have found it. Even as the questions about the legality of my parking pull at me, He pulls harder. I let His Words wash over me and feel something soothe inside of me like a restless, fearful animal being settled.
I pulled open my journal to help me process, and as I wrote the date on the page, I couldn’t help but notice the gap in the dates between when I last wrote in this book. And I wondered at myself. For not remembering. That He and I don’t do well when we don’t get time together. When we are like ships passing in the night. When I am so busy that I’m always interrupting our conversations to check my phone, or send an email, or move my illegally parked car. It’s not rocket science. We haven’t had a minute of uninterrupted time together, haven’t had a real conversation, in almost ten days, and no relationship thrives in that setting.
I am a predictable creation. I need time with Him to connect to Him. And I need connection to Him to feel safe and steady.
He isn’t some genie whose belly I rub to give me peace and joy. He isn’t a ritual or an exercise, and reading His word isn’t like saying a spell. The Lord is in Heaven and He does what He pleases. He doesn’t work for me. But I know this – He is my peace. And in His presence there is fullness of joy. And when I’m with Him, I am better.
Like now. Like now when I breathe in and out and tell Him the truth. I need you. I miss you. I don’t want to do this without you. You are what’s missing.
Let’s do it together, this event, this job, this day.
And He breathes His Spirit back as His glorious ‘yes’, just as He promised He would.