Goodbye 2011

Well. What a year.

I started off the year in January with a new puppy, (whose name ended up being Toby by the way).

By February, I was processing my glory robbing tendencies and my thoughts on the craziness of women.

In March, I started praying for suffering.  I turned 29 and reflected on the 29 beliefs that shape me at this point in my life.

In April, I responded to Rob Bell’s latest book with the rest of Christian America.  I made a plan for my life and prepared for Easter.

In May, I shared why I’m terrified of motherhood and two months after I began to pray for suffering I learned that my dad was dying.  I was thankful for friends who could pray when I wasn’t sure I could find the words.

In June, I had to face the reality that my life wasn’t turning out like I planned.  After a bumpy father’s day, I thanked God for displaying his faithfulness even in my pain.  I began sharing the promises that I was clinging to in that time.

In July, my father died while I was on one of the most amazing mission trips I’ve ever been on.  I had a lot of thoughts in this time, but very few words.  God crawled inside my heart and held my hand.

August was my 9th God-birthday so I celebrated by sharing some of the things I’ve learned in the past 9 years.  I also reflected on the characteristics that define a woman who fears the Lord.  My denial over my dad’s death began to wear off, providing some fun meltdowns at the most inconvenient moments.

In September, I shared with you the truth that I wasn’t doing well. My dad’s birthday rolled around.  Even the anniversary of 9.11 somehow seemed to be cannibalized by my dad’s death.  I guess I was having a mild identity crisis.

In October, God gave me the grace to zoom out a little.  My heart felt filled with a new vision of ministry and a desire to be spent for the Kingdom of God.

In November, I unpacked the hard truths that are anchors to my soul.  I got some friends to share their thoughts on their favorite quotes and I said goodbye to some good friends.

In December, I have had some ‘hard day’s, but I’ve made it through my dad’s memorial and I’ve had some sweet moments with friends and family.

When I look through these posts I’m not sure they accurately reflect my year.  It’s been one of the weirdest years of my life, but I think it’s also been one of the best and sweetest years of my life.

As I sit here typing this on New Year’s Eve I feel less sure of myself then I have at any point in my life.  I can’t figure out how to connect to anyone around me.  I feel terrified and panicked.

And yet, I feel more safe and secure than I ever have.  This year has brought me such deep and genuine joy and intimacy with Jesus.  I finally feel like I’m beginning to understand what it means that Jesus is my true and faithful friend.

Full of thanks.  Happy New Year.

4 thoughts on “Goodbye 2011

  1. Wow, I really identify with your thoughts on feeling unsure of yourself and struggling to connect with those around you, but at the same time feeling closer to Christ than you have in a long time. I think you’re a fantastic and uplifting writer, and I’m sure that a lot of people connect with you as you share your heart here.

    Happy New Year!

  2. I found your blog through a friend’s blog, and started reading your posts each day… You and I are different and yet the same. I am always encouraged by your honesty and vulnerability, and your passion for Truth. I count “thoughts from fabs” among my favorite blessings of 2011. May God richly reward your faithfulness to continue seeking His face when it would be easier to remain comfortable. You are making more heart connections than you know! Happy 2012!

  3. Happy New Year, Fabs! Your last two posts of 2011 have been personally very poignant (in a very positive sense). I am always amazed at your honesty and authenticity in a fairly public forum. Reading over your “year in review” has helped me remember this past year for myself and the things I have been through, learned, and realized that parallel some of what you have been through – plans for life, identity, what I really believe, facing reality. I guess I just wanted to say (probably again) your writing about your life and faith continues to resonate with me and thank you for that. It seems easy to say to you that you are not alone and that some of your brothers and sisters in Christ also identify with your experiences, thoughts, feelings, and struggles. I’m sure you already know that anyway. But believing it when not feeling it or even feeling against it is probably the harder part. But your trust regardless of how you feel is amazing and enviable (at least to me). I wish I could have more of that myself. Regardless, congratulations on the puppy! All the best to you, Fabs, into 2012 and for many years to come! May the Lord continue to bless you, keep you, shine his face upon you with his loving grace, and fill your life with peace, joy, and intimacy with Him. And lastly, may you continue to know it.

  4. Just read over some of your past posts again, and I continue to be encouraged. Thank you for taking the time to write. I appreciate the encouragement so very much. Just said a prayer for you tonight.

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