Well. What a year.
I started off the year in January with a new puppy, (whose name ended up being Toby by the way).
In May, I shared why I’m terrified of motherhood and two months after I began to pray for suffering I learned that my dad was dying. I was thankful for friends who could pray when I wasn’t sure I could find the words.
In June, I had to face the reality that my life wasn’t turning out like I planned. After a bumpy father’s day, I thanked God for displaying his faithfulness even in my pain. I began sharing the promises that I was clinging to in that time.
In July, my father died while I was on one of the most amazing mission trips I’ve ever been on. I had a lot of thoughts in this time, but very few words. God crawled inside my heart and held my hand.
August was my 9th God-birthday so I celebrated by sharing some of the things I’ve learned in the past 9 years. I also reflected on the characteristics that define a woman who fears the Lord. My denial over my dad’s death began to wear off, providing some fun meltdowns at the most inconvenient moments.
In September, I shared with you the truth that I wasn’t doing well. My dad’s birthday rolled around. Even the anniversary of 9.11 somehow seemed to be cannibalized by my dad’s death. I guess I was having a mild identity crisis.
When I look through these posts I’m not sure they accurately reflect my year. It’s been one of the weirdest years of my life, but I think it’s also been one of the best and sweetest years of my life.
As I sit here typing this on New Year’s Eve I feel less sure of myself then I have at any point in my life. I can’t figure out how to connect to anyone around me. I feel terrified and panicked.
And yet, I feel more safe and secure than I ever have. This year has brought me such deep and genuine joy and intimacy with Jesus. I finally feel like I’m beginning to understand what it means that Jesus is my true and faithful friend.
Full of thanks. Happy New Year.