Happy birthday to me.

I think all of my coworkers hate me today.  I have spent a large portion of my day verbally (and with emphasis) communicating to everyone nearby (or far away) that my birthday is almost upon us.  I’m thrilled to be turning 30 tomorrow.

It feels like it’s been a long time coming.

When I was 20 years old I was woken up in the middle of the night by a phone call from my best friend in all the world.happy birthday tags!

With no warning, her mother had fallen down at work with a brain aneurysm and never woke up.  We spent the next week weeping together and sharing memories of her mom.  My friend told me that when she had been having a particular bumpy day in her first months as a 20-year-old, her mom had comforted her by saying that the 20’s are a roller coaster; once you hit the 30’s, life just feels…steadier.

That struck such a chord with me.  I’ve always longed to be steady.

My friend and I have spent so many hours since that terrible week talking the unpredictability of our lives; the pain and the heartache.  Our conversations always return to that memory of her mom and the hope that the 30’s will bring steadiness.

I don’t know how to explain why tomorrow feels so special to me. This birthday has my heart so full and hopeful.

Nothing magical is going to happen tomorrow.  It’s just another day.  It isn’t going to make me any steadier. It doesn’t have any power to condemn or save.  It has no capacity to change anything about my life.

But God has kept me all these years.  He has put life and breath in me at every turn.  He has saved me from my evil heart time and time again and saves me again today and will save me again in the morning.

And this past year He has done more than I ever dreamed.  He has restored dreams and answered prayers.  He has made life grow from death.  He took my dad.  And He gave me Himself.

And it’s crazy, I know, but I’m just so happy.

I just can’t stop thinking of how He picked the perfect time and place for me.  He wrote all my days before one of them came to be.  He carved my heart with care and precision.  He placed me in the care of a mother and father and two sisters and wrote their every mistake and every success to show me His great love for these past 29 years.

I’m a wreck of a human being.  I am nowhere close to being the perfect creature I will one day be.  But one thing I am feeling good about:  forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.  I want to forget all the insecurity and panic and sin and failure of the past decade.  I want to forget all the false identities that I looked toward to save me from fear and insignificance.  I want to trust Jesus to cover all of that and let that faith free me up to look forward, straining toward the prize of the upward call of Christ in my life.

I am looking forward to tomorrow. I am looking forward to a decade that I pray will be defined by steadfastness.

30 years.  30 years that have been spent on building a kingdom of my own.  30 years that have been filled with entitlement and arrogance and apathy and unbelief.

30 years that have been filled with the faithfulness of a loving Father who has protected me from every act of unbelief. 30 years that have been redeemed by a Savior and Counselor who has never forsaken me, never fled when face to face with my failure.

I am so thankful for a happy birthday.

12 thoughts on “Happy birthday to me.

  1. Dear Jesus, thank you for creating Fabs. It’s been such a blessing to meet her and see/hear her realness and love for You in my Satisfied(West)class. Love, Amanda:)

  2. Happy birthday dear sister! I also celebrated being a kept woman for my 30th. You’ll love the 30’s….I turn 32 in June&look forward to celebrating again being a woman kept by a wonderful saviour. It may seem small, but in the 30’s you become aware of all the ‘small’ things that add up.

    May you continue to be spent for His glory and live as one created to be the object of Christ’s affections

    1. When I turned 30 last year, the Lord gave me Isaiah 25:1:

      LORD, you are my God;
      I will exalt you and praise your name,
      for in perfect faithfulness
      you have done wonderful things,
      things planned long ago.

      Thank you for your blog and for sharing the deep parts of your heart with us. I find great encouragement from you. I’m pray your 30th birthday is filled with much love!

  3. I had my birthday this week and I happily let everyone know. And I mean everyone!

    Happy birthday to you! I think your blog is amazing, so full of encouragement as you’re so honest.

  4. I hope you had a wonderful birthday!! I pray that God would show you His faithfulness to be your rock and firm foundation even more in this next decade, and that you would experience His rest and intimacy to a new degree. I’m so thankful for you and how you have communicated what God has done in your life. You have had a big impact on my walk with God, from halfway across the country 🙂

  5. “He took my Dad. And He gave me Himself.” Isn’t it reasuring to know that even though our fathers are gone, we are not Fatherless. What a relief…

    Happy birthday, Fabs. I truly love and admire you!

    I wish God’s best for you always!

  6. Hope your birthday was wonderful! Thank you for this encouraging post. I’ll be 30 in a few months and have not been excited about it so this was a good reminder to me.

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