I am writing my Thesis. Right now. Well. Not this second, but I was a few seconds ago, and I will be again in a few more seconds. But I’m taking this moment, to use words to help me remember to breathe and rest and not waste these last few days before I’ll hit send and wrap up my stint as a Masters student.
Because what a gift this education has been, and I don’t want to waste or rush it out of fear. I also don’t want to do it alone. I don’t want to think God is in Bible study curriculums and teaching but not in Cultural Psychology and Mental Health and Emotional Regulation. I want us to do this together. Write this blog together, write this dissertation together, clean my room together, cook together, do life together.
Side by side intimacy is my favorite kind. I connect with people when we do something together: watch TV, go for a walk, plan a festival, pull something awesome off. So I pause, when I feel overwhelmed, or stuck, or sleepy and remember that we are birthing this epic document (that will mean very little to anyone I know), together.
That sleepy/stuck thing is usually a good reminder to consider if I’ve forgotten Him. I’ve left Him behind in my ‘Bible time’ and when I do that, it helps me to pop out a verse and just meditate for a second. Have a convo. Today’s verse: “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
Boy. What a winner. I don’t pretend to understand this verse or how we’re supposed to bank on it in a world where it feels untrue, but I will share with you the sense I make of it today.
That He is the culmination of everything we crave. That everything we love about our friends, that everything delicious about food, that everything beautiful about the mountains, that the satisfied feeling you get when you cross something off your list, or when you ride a horse, or when you fall in love- that the best of all things are good because they are like Him.
He is the genuine article that all the best things in this world are only imitating.
And if that’s true, it makes sense that the way to get the desires of your heart – the deepest desires – is to climb inside Him and enjoy Him. This verse doesn’t mean that if we delight in Him He’ll give us a husband, it means better things. It means that we’ll get the the thing we actually want underneath. We’ll find the fulfillment of our desire to be wanted so passionately it takes our breath away. That verse doesn’t mean God will give us that dream job, it means that when He are consuming Him from the inside out, we will find the satisfaction of our desire for purpose, for value, which is the thing we actually want deeper than the job.
Every niggle and every nag of desire is at its root – for Him.
Which means you have access, right now, to the thing you want most. What a ridiculous truth. Imagine if we actually learned to believe that.
My niece doesn’t yet know that the weird feeling she sometimes has is a craving for sleep, so she screams her head off demanding more and missing that the thing she actually wants is right there. But she will learn, the way we all have, and one day, she will know how to name that feeling ‘tired’ and she will know what to do with it.
And imagine if we felt these aching desires and we knew how to name them – I want to be wanted. I want to be seen. I am desperate to be loved. And we knew what to do with them, how to get them fulfilled – by delighting in Him. Which is not the same as knowing things about Him, or talking about Him, or sitting with your Bible once a day. It’s about consuming Him, uniting with Him, experiencing Him and letting Him teach you how He intimately meets your desires.
Delight yourself in Him today. Don’t expect to enjoy him so fully that the longing itself goes away. There’s more of Him to enjoy than you have yet experienced. What you have of Him in this life, will not be enough. Perhaps, the more satisfied you are in Him, the more unsatisfied you will be; the more of Him you will want. But it will be the good kind of unsatisfied. That achey, I can’t wait to see you again feeling. Not anxious longing. Not fearful. You have access to such powerful promises that you are free to enjoy the anticipation of deeper fulfillment because you are 100% confident it is coming.
Now. Me and God have a date with Thesis.