Identity Crisis

One of my favorite things about God is that He is constant and unchanging.

You can sit down for coffee with a friend, and they might think God is a justice-loving judge with no love in Him, and you might think He is all gentleness and hugs with no wrath in any piece of Him, but the great news is that nothing in that conversation effected or changed anything about the character of God.

He’s not an idea – to be morphed and changed by our feelings and thoughts.  He’s a real person with a real personality that doesn’t ebb or flow based on His approval rating.

I think I’m only just starting to see that He and I are different that way.

I mean, I’ve obviously always known we’re different.  He’s holds things up by the power of His Word, and I’m a wreck of a human being.  He knows all things and I don’t even know who I am.

But, I’m specifically referring to the difference in how our character is formed.

Unlike the Great-Unchangeable-I- Am, I am absolutely shaped by people’s perceptions of me.

Everything I do is a response to how I’m being perceived or an attempt to be perceived in a certain way.

Since loosing my dad, I’m having this weird identity crisis and I’ve started to wonder if anything about my personality is genuine.  It feels like I’m playing this character I made up when I was a teenager to make him proud, and I’ve been in this role for so long that I’ve somehow convinced myself that I am all these things that I want to be.

I think I’ve been letting people play the role of creator in my life when God is actually the guy for that job. He didn’t design my identity to be molded and crafted by anyone apart from Him.

Listen, I’m not supposed to be like God.  God is independent and I am not.  He is unchanging and I am not.  Unlike Him – I wasn’t made to know who I am all on my own.  I was created to be told who I am by Someone outside myself. I’m made to need Him to speak identity into me.

My desire for someone to tell me who I am isn’t a product of the Fall.

The sin happens when I take that desire to someone apart from Him.  The sin happens when I cast someone else in the role of creator.

All of a sudden the pressure to make my dad proud is gone.  It’s too late.  I can’t do that any more.  That ship has sailed.  As freeing as that sounds, it’s left me in this place where I suddenly have no idea who I am.

I’m re-reading old journals and trying to listen for the things inside of me that are designed by God, but it’s hard because I mostly just sound crazy.  On every page I see my personality contorting and bending to fit into any mold that will win me love.

When Michelangelo was carving David, it’s rumored that he said: “I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free”.  I love that idea.  I love the idea that the statue of David was always inside that rock, just waiting to be set free by the loving cut of the sculptor’s tool.

The woman who God made me to be is inside of me.  I can feel Him, even through this pain, chipping away with a tender precision at the rock that is encasing me.  I can feel His Word carving me out of the stone, making me the way I was always meant to be.

2 thoughts on “Identity Crisis

  1. I just wrote a post about that this weekend. Feeling like a fraud. Remembering that it’s Christ’s righteousness that covers and identifies me is harder than I wish it was. Press on, sister!

  2. “I’m not supposed to be like God. God is independent and I am not. He is unchanging and I am not. Unlike Him – I wasn’t made to know who I am all on my own. I was created to be told who I am by Someone outside myself. I’m made to need Him to speak identity into me.”

    That’s a profound thought. I’m going to chew on it for a while.

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