If I just knew…

Everywhere I turn I hear the four little words: ‘If I just knew…’

Somehow we have all begun to believe the lie that knowledge about the future would free us up to enjoy and obey today.

If I just knew that I was going to be able to have a baby one day, this time of trying to get pregnant wouldn’t be so hard.  

If I knew my kid was going to become a Christian at some point, I wouldn’t be so worried.

I hear it in my own heart: if I just knew I was going to be married at some point, then I could exploit this season of singleness without distraction.what's next

Most of us have that thought in us somewhere: if we knew things were going to be okay tomorrow, we would be delivered from anxiety about today.

I’m even weirder.  I also think that the news that I am NOT going to get what I want in the future would help me out today.

I just want to know one way or the other.  Sure, I’d like to hear a ‘yes’ to my plans, but I would also take a ‘no’ at this point.  Anything to save me from this dreadful uncertainty.  Anything to save me from the ambiguity that I blame for my wondering and distracted mind.

It occurred to me this morning in a flood of conviction that what I’m asking for is unbelievably offensive to God.

Think about it.  When we say that we would be able to enjoy today if we knew that our desire was going to be fulfilled around the corner, what we’re really saying is: God, you can be a sufficient savior for now. As long as I know that a TRUE savior is coming, I’ll be fine.  You are sufficient for me if I know that I’m going to get a …child, husband, job…  

And the other side isn’t much better.  I think that I would be able to be more focused on God if He would just tell me: ‘it’s a no’.  That sounds so nice, but what I’m really saying is: I’ll be all in with God if things don’t work out between me and this other ‘god’.  God is a sufficient back up plan.

We’re like a bride, wavering on the night of her wedding because she has feelings for another man.  She longs to know for sure that it’s never going to happen with that other guy, so that she can move forward with her fiance without hesitation.

I’m waiting to be all in with God as long as I know the other options are off the table.  I’m willing to put Him first as long as there’s nothing else to compete with Him. I’ll choose God as long as there is no other choice.

Blick.

And my sweet Jesus delivers me with the gloriously painful gift of ambiguity.

In the fog of the unknown, I am forced to wrestle with the idolatry in my heart.  Is Jesus the true and final prize for me?  Do I believe there is no better Savior out there?  Or am I waiting for another god?

If Jesus  isn’t satisfying enough for my soul today, that is because of an issue in my heart, not my circumstance.  There isn’t some day pending when it will be easier to love and trust Him.  This is it.  Today is the day the Lord has made for us to worship Him, and today is the day we lack nothing.

4 thoughts on “If I just knew…

  1. This is amazing and hits me EXACTLY where I live. My single, 30-something girlfriends and I have had this exact “if I only knew…” conversation countless times. Thank you for helping to expose the fact that we are believing lies and looking for counterfeit saviors.

    Your writing is a tremendous gift to me and encouragement in my walk with God. Keep it up!

  2. Oh Fabs…
    If only you knew how much the Spirit used your words today. “Blick” is right… Jesus is too often my backup plan.

    Thanks for putting into words what I’ve been processing andd repenting of the past few weeks.

    Thankful for you, your candidness, and your willingness to share your heart.

  3. Thank you for this! God is dealing with some serious control issues in my heart right now. If I can’t actually control something directly, knowing as much as I can about the situation at least lets me feel like I can brace myself. Exposing this for the idolatry that it is is so helpful! It pushes me to not accept my desire for control as just how I am, but to lay it down as sin.

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