Killing lots of birds with one post here.
I woke up this morning feeling pretty much the same way I went to bed feeling last night: anxious and stressed and a little panicky and a little angry. Why you may ask? No real idea, except that I have that feeling I hate: when all the parts and people of life are tugging on your sleeve and asking you to pay attention to them and you just want everyone and everything to take a few giant steps back and give you room to breathe.
Every time I catch up on one task, another is waiting, tapping its watch to let me know I’m already running late. Every time I am spending time with someone I look down and I’ve missed another 5 million texts asking me where I am. And the real reason I hate all this is because I want to be free: to move around with obligation or anxiety. I want to choose what I want to do without pressure to conform to the expectations (good and bad) of my life.
And the problem is that’s nobody’s real life (except for college kids and really unhealthy avoidant attachment people).
And we don’t get to blame outward chaos for inner mayhem. Because there is a peace that has nothing to do with the world around us.
I feel like I’m at a show and everyone is pressed up against me talking at once and I just want to have a little space between me and them. So I’m trying – I tried as I fell asleep last night – and I’m trying as I take a minute that I don’t have this morning – to squeeze Jesus in between me and them and let Him come around me in this bubble of protection and create the boundary I so desperately need to exist.
There is a space in me that nobody can tug on and where no one gets to demand or even speak except for Him. And that’s the space I need to find – just for a minute – to prevent me from yelling at innocent strangers.
Breathe in. Breathe out.