Meltdown Monday

It’s been a crazy couple of weeks.  The summer is about to turn into the fall and when you work for a Church in a college town that means that stuff gets really busy.  My week was nuts, and it transitioned into an insane weekend which culminated in a whirlwind Sunday.  From the moment I woke up yesterday I was rushing from one thing from another; every second of my morning was filled with a task.

It wasn’t until I was standing in the front row ready to worship that I realized I was about 3 seconds away from some kind of melt down.

Sometimes I feel totally self-assured and certain about my life and my plans and then sometimes I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.

Sunday, as the music began to wash over me and the lyrics on the screen gave freedom to thoughts that I had been trying to ignore, I was smothered by this shuddering realization that I felt terrifying lost and unknown.

And I suddenly thought – I’m about to lose it.  Right here and right now. I’m either about to start sobbing or laughing hysterically, but either way it’s about to get super awkward for me and the new guy on staff standing next to me.

But I did neither.  I breathed in and out.  I had a meeting right after service, so it didn’t seem like there was enough time to fall apart and get all put back together before my next appointment.

I’m attributing this kind of ‘incident’ to grief cause I guess that’s the thing that makes me sound the least crazy.

Honestly, I think I’m just a confusing person to live with.  I’m zealous for authenticity. I’m desperate to know what’s true.  And that’s troubling when you’re going through a season when you have no idea what is real about yourself.  I can’t tell if I’m passionate or if I’m just manufacturing those emotions because I’m supposed to be passionate.  I don’t know how to distinguish between the things I really want and the things I just feel like I’m supposed to want.

The point of this story isn’t my almost meltdown.  The point of this story is the realization that happened mid-almost-meltdown.

As I tried desperately not to dissolve into a pile of girl-mess on the front row of my home church (which is also inconveniently my place of employment), I realized: it’s okay.

It’s okay.  It’s okay that I have no idea who I am.

Because God knows exactly who I am.

It’s okay that I don’t feel like I know myself, because I’m really deeply known by God.

Realizing that triggered a whole new almost melt-down, but the good kind, and that’s okay too.

Grace is just too big to inhale without having to suck in your breath and swallow back sobs.

I’m in the middle of this crazy chapter of my life and I feel like I’m being thrown every which way, but when I squint my eyes I can see this one fixed point of light and I know that if I can just make it inside that light I will be safe and tethered and there is nothing that can shake me.

And just as I’m trying to figure out how to get there, I find myself being wrapped up and held by that light so tightly that I’m not sure I can breathe and I’m not sure I need to breathe.

I don’t need to know me.  He knows me.

He’s that one fixed point.   In the midst of the madness I can hang onto all that is true about Him and He won’t move and He won’t shake and He won’t flinch or fail.  So I can just squeeze my eyes shut and hang on to Him with every ounce of my grace-given strength.

Maybe it’s backwards, but I’m a mystery to me.  The more I look at me the more muddled I get.

When I look at Him, everything feels clear and calm.  He’s warm and steady and safe and real and wide and deep and mine.  He’s mine.

14 thoughts on “Meltdown Monday

  1. Love. Love. Love.

    I used to work for my church in NY, in a college town, and it was always marathon there for a few months in the summer and fall. I’ve been missing the ebb and flow of the college town life since I moved to Texas, but your post reminded me of difficult it is to be ON all the time. I wrote about slowing down today too, hitting boundaries, acknowledging God as the giver of good and perfect gifts such as limitations. Hope you find rest and encouragement!

  2. I know friend. He is that one fixed point. So good and true. I am praying tomorrow the Spirit comes into our time and makes it whatever it needs to be for all of us. Maybe it will be slow and full of knownness. 🙂 Can’t wait.

  3. Love this, Fabs. I feel just like you described…a lot of the time. Sometimes I think we must be destined to always feel that way, at least here in this life, because we weren’t really made for this life. And trying to find contentment with discontentment and disjointedness and disconnectedness is enough to send me to the crazy bin when I’m focused on me…but yes, just as you say, when I’m focused on Him it’s all ok. 🙂 Love you, friend.

  4. Just discovered your blog through the article you wrote on the relevant magazine website. you are both true empathy and encouragement for me! thanks for all you write. fantastic.

  5. I am encouraged by your honesty here. I am also single and in my late twenties. I’m still searching for a career that I really enjoy, and I feel very confused during this time in life. Thank you!

  6. I just read this and can’t tell you what a blessing and an encouragement it is to me. I am in the middle of a crazy season of life as well and lately it’s been overwhelming. Thanks for sharing so eloquently what God is teaching you! God bless!

  7. My sister referred me to your blog, and I connect with your words, especially since I too have been in mentoring/teaching for young women, and it’s where my heart is even though I’m teaching English in Poland now.
    I thought it was only me who had meltdowns. And the only one who had one while she was on a Bible school teaching stint. I’m glad it’s ok if we don’t know ourselves. God keeps taking me at my word when I ask Him to do what it takes to help me hear His whispers. Thanks for your honesty here!

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