Places I cannot take you

I wish I could take you back there with me: kneeling on the floor in that studio as I listened to my friend defend the Gospel with a fierceness that I have rarely seen in her soft sweet spirit.

I wish I could explain to you how laughter blended with tears bubbled up as I spoke the deepest, most authentic words of my days, laying on the floor of a hotel and begging God to save the world.

I wish I could share with you a scrap of the desperation I felt for prayers in those days; a shred of the awe that filled me as with shaking fingers I sent out email update after email update declaring that once again God had moved. Screen Shot 2014-01-08 at 3.04.47 PM

I wish you would feel a fraction of the joy I felt when I realized, sitting in the funeral, that God’s glory really was my deepest pleasure and really did make sense of all suffering.  The stunning realization that all we believe is true washed over me.  I wish I could tell you how it felt for faith to be made solid.

I wish I could articulate how confusing it is to me that all of that faith isn’t enough to cannibalize the heart-break I feel when I contemplate getting through these next months; helping my friend get through these next years.

I wish I could change the anger and hatred I felt in moments toward the foolish and stupid arguments that seem to want to rage around me and how unbelievable it seems that people can’t see how stupid it all is; how deadly and distracting disunity and selfish ambition can be.

I wish I could deny the terrible feelings of doubt crouching at the door.  I wish they didn’t sometimes over take me and leave in their wake sorrow: disappointment that even now I could be so short-sighted and doubt the goodness of my sweet savior.  How surprisingly easy it is to forget the parting of the Red Sea in the wilderness.

I would wish to spare you from the darkness, from the evil that has been dancing closer than ever before, making the question of ‘how do you know if its spiritual warfare’ seem foolish.  You will know.

I wish I could inject you with the same sense of fire and fury I have to do this thing; to live this life for Him.  I wish you could feel the very sober and urgent awareness I have that this is the real thing.  The things we are talking about are acts of treason against the ruler of this world, and if we plan to execute these new dreams he has a serious problem with it.

He will kill us if he thinks that will stop us.

But he will be proved a fool.

Nothing can stop us now.

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