I’m not sure what to write today.
I’m sitting in the New York airport heading back to home sweet Austin after spending some time in Barcelona. And I’m not sure what to write.
I’m not sure if I should tell you about how much I love traveling alone, or if maybe I should talk about how much I love the people I have been with for the past week. I’m not sure if I should write about how about how magical Jesus feels when you walk alone in a city or if I should write about how hard it seems to be to get a hold of Him sometimes.
I’m in this airport and I’m doing one of my favorite things (traveling alone listening to angsty music and writing), and right now – just for this moment, He feels out of reach; impossible to pin down. My hands keep grasping for Him but they are just closing around air and I just wish that I could go to the nearest Starbucks and buy faith, the way I buy coffee when I’m tired.
I just need an extra shot today.
This morning, as I was flying across the ocean, I laid my head against the window of the plane and prayed with ever fiber of my body for more faith. I just want to believe.
I want all the freedom that comes from faith.
I want to see my phone light up with the hundreds of unanswered work emails and instead of anxiety – I want to have peace, because my King is on His throne. I want to look around this airport and instead of being irritated by the people who stand in the center of the escalators, I want to love them. I want vision that transcends the temporal. I want to see the world with the urgency of an ambassador. I want to have joy when I think about returning to the mundane details of my life. I want to trust God that it is all as it should be, even when it feels monotonous and unchanging.
I want to believe. I want to believe because He’s real and this Gospel is true. I am sure of that. And I want to believe in what is true.
Wait. Maybe my airplane prayer has already been answered. Because faith is the assurance of things not seen. I am sure of the things I don’t believe. Is that faith?
Hmm. I guess what I’m saying here is that I do believe. I could just use a little help for my unbelief.
I’m going to use the little shred of faith I have to go pray for more faith. Squeeze your eyes shut and press your face against the window and join me.