What a useless hopeless feeling it is: to turn words around and around and find none that fit.
What a tension it produces in my heart: to watch life unfold without control and without power.
What an awful sensation it is: to doubt truth; to feel something other than faith bubbling up in your heart and leading you to places you don’t want to go.
What a tragedy it is: to wonder if you are a coward because you refuse to open the door to doubt and are unwilling to let questions overtake faith.
What a temptation it is: to be ashamed of a Gospel that speaks irrational and unconditional love for all people: the wronged and those who wrong.
I keep wanting to flip to the back of the book and make sure I have that answer right. Am I wrong? Am I writing lies and leading others astray?
Are there sinners too evil to be forgiven? Are there more important things to communicate than the Cross of Christ?
Have I made the Gospel too good? Have I magnified grace so that I don’t have to feel disqualified from life and ministry?
How loud it is: inside my head with all the voices.
There is my own voice: at times loud and bold and overly confident, but underneath it is nervous and insecure and afraid.
I hear voices of friends who stand beside me in their passionate faith in the Word of God and I can hear them telling me to stand firm.
I hear the voices of those who want to intervene and protect.
I hear the voices of those who want to help me find Jesus in this mess and learn the places I don’t treasure Him as I ought, as I want.
But from You I hear nothing.
From You I hear a deafening silence that is louder to me than any voice.
And I sit and pour over your word and turn your words over and over and around and around and none of them fit. None of them fit the questions I’m asking.
Is there something wrong with me that I truly think the most horrific thing in the world is the lie that there are sinners too far gone for the blood to find them?
Am I wrong to think that there is no message more essential then this: no matter what you’ve done and who you’ve failed my Savior stands ready to spend Himself for your sin?
Today is a day that I do not know who will win this war within me.
There is part of me that aches to stand and speak and say all that I see you say in your Word, even when I don’t feel it resonate in my heart. But there is another side altogether: a side of fear and doubt that wonders if I should just sit down and be quiet.
And both parts of me are urging me to delete this post. In the name of credibility. In the name of safety
But I have a friend’s face in my mind, and a day we met by a lake over 8 years ago. And while messy doubt ran down my face in salt water streaks, she leaned across the table and told me she understood.
And 8 years later, we found ourselves by that same lake, and she looked at me through tears and said she wanted to be all in with this Jesus but for too many years she had made friends with doubt and now feared that it had cannibalized faith.
And I leaned across that table and I promised her that doubt doesn’t win. For those of us in Christ, doubt doesn’t win. And we will not follow it where it leads. We will stand on faith.
So I’ll click ‘publish’ today because this insecurity and fear will not rule me. It will remind me that this world offers no safe place to stand.
As for me and my house – my community, those I lead and those I follow – I will fight to help us all bank on Him.
And I’ll reach out to you – my Church – and grip your fingers in mine as my other hand clings to Him and His crazy Cross and His perfect Word.