The reason my heart is divided.

A friend sent me this blog a while back that walks through 9 things to pray for.  I love it.  I’ve been praying through these things for a little while. Number 4 in particular has been stuck in my heart and head as of late:

Let my heart to be united, not divided, for God.

O Lord, I will walk in Your truth; unite my heart to fear Your name, (Psalm 86:11)

I think this has been wedged  in my heart for a couple of reasons.

First, because my heart feels snagged on other things and I don’t want it to be. I want it to be united to fear God.

Secondly, because recently a friend reminded me that the primary benefit (biblically speaking) of being single is that you get to have an undivided heart.  You aren’t worried about taking care of your family – just focused on the kingdom.

Hmm.  What’s tricky is that most single women crave marriage precisely because they feel SO divided in this season.  Singleness feels like a constant division and confusion; our distracted hearts and minds are set on imaginary husbands and imaginary marriages – and thoughts of what they need to do to secure those things.

We hear the lie that marriage will bring clarity in God’s purpose for our lives and will quiet all the confusion about what He wants for us.  We will finally be un-distracted, undivided.  Sigh.  If it wasn’t so tragic and sickening, I might be impressed by Satan’s able to twist truth so effectively and efficiently

I think he has a couple of pretty good tactics for confusing us:

1. The World.  It’s in every conversation with friends or family: are you seeing anyone?  It’s a status on Facebook.  It’s who we are in this culture: singleness defines us.

2. The Church. The Church is right to elevate marriage.  God Himself says that he who finds a wife finds a good thing.  But sometimes in the pursuit of lifting up the glorious covenant of marriage we say things that can imply that singleness is for college students, dysfunctional losers, or spouses-in-training . 

3. My heart.  Let’s be honest.  I need very little prodding from the world or from the Church to become distracted by romance and relationships.

We are not victims of culture.  We create culture.

We have this confusion in our hearts, not because we are single, but because we are human.  Every human heart, single or married, mom or childless has the same condition that causes a divided heart: we fear the wrong things.

We fear too many things.

We fear God, sure.  But we fear a lot of other things too.  We fear loneliness. We fear rejection.  We fear loss.  We fear abandonment and anger and discomfort.

Our hearts are divided in their fear.  So we spend our singleness planning and plotting ways to navigate our way around our fears.

If we want divided hearts in our lives (whether singleness, or marriage or motherhood) we must beg God to help:  Father, unite our hearts to fear Your name.

Truth: I started writing this blog posts months ago, but just saw it in my draft box today.

Perfect timing.  The past week my heart has felt so distracted; so prone to wonder.  In every prayer I can feel my snagged heart trying to manipulate God, I can taste the insincerity.

I want to love God.  I really do.

And in these days – this prayer has been like a breath to me.  Breathe in: unite my heart to fear your name.  Breathe out: unite my heart.  God. Please. Unite my heart to fear You alone.

I’m thankful for the Cross of Christ which guarantees me an audience with the only One who can grant that prayer, and promises me the constant intercession of the Son, pleading my case.

So I’ll breathe in and out and by His grace, believe.    

2 thoughts on “The reason my heart is divided.

  1. You have no idea how much this post hits my heart right in the middle. I have found myself thinking “oh if I only had a husband” a lot lately. I can think of no other reason than God has me in a really good place and Satan is trying to throw me off this course. I needed this, thank you for your honesty!

  2. As a married woman of 26 years, I am always SO thankful when beautiful Christian single women pour out their hearts about their lives. It helps me understand. It helps me remember. It helps me minister. I always appreciate your honesty and your refreshing faith.

    I’m currently reading a book “Questions from a Single Heart” by Laura A. Smith to help me understand how not to bless singles in a Noah’s Ark kinda’ Christian world.

    Other than the word single, I could totally relate to the cry of your heart. Thanks for ministering to mine, sister.

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