I woke up today determined to get back on track. I had great dreams of finally responding to one of the questions I’ve received, or completing one of the drafts in my ‘to-post’ folder.
But you’re going to get the truth instead. Because I’ve decided my blog is going to become a place where it’s okay to be where I am.
I am blessed that most of the places in my life are safe. They’re places where I have the freedom to be real and vulnerable and far from perfect. But I don’t have the freedom to be where I am. I can’t be a wreck. I have to at least have it together enough to communicate.
They’re all places where “it’s okay to not be okay”, but at the end of the day, I can’t go to my gym training thing today and weep the whole time and I can’t show up at a retreat on Saturday and sit in the back of the class if I don’t feel like talking.
And honestly – I can’t tell you where I am because I have no idea how I’m doing today. I can’t tell if I want to weep or sit in silence. I don’t have the time to figure out where I’m at because I have to go to my gym training thing today and I have to show up at a retreat tomorrow and stand up at the front of the room and teach.
So, I’ve decided that this blog is going to take me to a new level of raw.
I want to be total honest about how I’m doing, even if I have no idea how I’m doing. Today I can’t tell if I want to watch TV or cry or eat good food or work or hang out with friends. I have no idea.
This whole grief thing is a mystery. I wish it made more sense. I think I could handle it if it felt like I thought it would, but it’s just different.
It isn’t sad or devastating like a break-up. It isn’t overwhelming like my craziest week at work. I’m not in despair and I’m not mega-stressed. It’s just hard.
Everything happening inside of me right now makes me feel crazy.
And to be totally honest, you know one thing I’m tired of? Trying to explain how I feel.
Another thing that I’m tired of is being ‘gospel-ed’. I’m tired of seeing the sadness in my heart and hearing: hey, what are you not believing about the gospel?
Because God is gospel-ing me just fine. He keeps reminding me of steadfast love that doesn’t fail, and that death is the result of sin and that because of Christ I am free to grieve and mourn deeply because I know the true tragedy of death. And I’ve got a handful of friends who keep reminding me that there isn’t some deep lurking idol that is making this all hard.
The thing is there are two really different things happening inside of me and it’s very strange to think they’re not incompatible:
- I’m feeling the nearness of God with a ferocity that makes me tremble with joy and fear and I feel so loved and held together it’s not even funny.
- And I still feel like I could throw-up at any moment.
And the next person who asks me: ‘what are you not believing about the gospel that’s making you feel like I could throw-up‘, I’m going to throw up on you. jk.
For the first time in my life I’m really starting to really grasp that loving Jesus doesn’t always save me from pain in this life.
And pain in this life doesn’t always mean I’m not loving Jesus.