The truth.

I woke up today determined to get back on track.  I had great dreams of finally responding to one of the questions I’ve received, or completing one of the drafts in my ‘to-post’ folder.

But you’re going to get the truth instead.  Because I’ve decided my blog is going to become a place where it’s okay to be where I am.

I am blessed that most of the places in my life are safe.  They’re places where I have the freedom to be real and vulnerable and far from perfect.  But I don’t have the freedom to be where I am.  I can’t be a wreck. I have to at least have it together enough to communicate.

They’re all places where “it’s okay to not be okay”, but at the end of the day, I can’t go to my gym training thing today and weep the whole time and I can’t show up at a retreat on Saturday and sit in the back of the class if I don’t feel like talking.

And honestly – I can’t tell you where I am because I have no idea how I’m doing today.  I can’t tell if I want to weep or sit in silence.  I don’t have the time to figure  out where I’m at because I have to go to my gym training thing today and I have to show up at a retreat tomorrow and stand up at the front of the room and teach.

So, I’ve decided that this blog is going to take me to a new level of raw.

I want to be total honest about how I’m doing, even if I have no idea how I’m doing.  Today I can’t tell if I want to watch TV or cry or eat good food or work or hang out with friends.  I have no idea.

This whole grief thing is a mystery.  I wish it made more sense.  I think I could handle it if it felt like I thought it would, but it’s just different.

It isn’t sad or devastating like a break-up.  It isn’t overwhelming like my craziest week at work.  I’m not in despair and I’m not mega-stressed.  It’s just hard.

Everything happening inside of me right now makes me feel crazy.

And to be totally honest, you know one thing I’m tired of?  Trying to explain how I feel.

Another thing that I’m tired of is being ‘gospel-ed’.  I’m tired of seeing the sadness in my heart and hearing: hey, what are you not believing about the gospel?

Because God is gospel-ing me just fine.  He keeps reminding me of steadfast love that doesn’t fail, and that death is the result of sin and that because of Christ I am free to grieve and mourn deeply because I know the true tragedy of death.  And I’ve got a handful of friends who keep reminding me that there isn’t some deep lurking idol that is making this all hard.

The thing is there are two really different things happening inside of me and it’s very strange to think they’re not incompatible:

  • I’m feeling the nearness of God with a ferocity that makes me tremble with joy and fear and I feel so loved and held together it’s not even funny.
  • And I still feel like I could throw-up at any moment.

And the next person who asks me: ‘what are you not believing about the gospel that’s making you feel like I could throw-up‘, I’m going to throw up on you.  jk.

For the first time in my life I’m really starting to really grasp that loving Jesus doesn’t always save me from pain in this life.

And pain in this life doesn’t always mean I’m not loving Jesus.

19 thoughts on “The truth.

  1. o so true. you are awesome and brave for being totally real on this bloggy. i love you so much. and won’t try to gospelize to you. 🙂 haha. actually, don’t do it to yourself. we’re our own worst enemies.

  2. fyi. extended bieber dvd does not contain the original movie. only fancut. but it does have lots of extra baby bieber vids- in one, where he talks about toboggan-ing in a high pitch baby voice. ok this is neither useful or helpful. but had to get this info to you somehow. hahaha

  3. On another note, I just read your entire post on the way home from work. While driving. I am ashamed I may have taken multi-tasking to a whole new level. I think I have a problem

  4. Ehhh… I wish I knew the right words to say t you, Fabienne. I am just going to say that I love you and that I wish there was something I could do — besides praying!!

  5. Hi..
    this is only about the 2nd or 3rd post i’ve read on your blog, but I just felt like I wanted to comment on this one. Because I identify. I know i’m not going through the same thing as you are.. I can’t even begin to imagine or pretend to understand how hard it must be for you.
    But I just feel like I’m in that same place.. where I’m just tired of self-assessing to see how I’m doing, and having to think about whether or not to be honest when someone asks “hey, how are you?”.. anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I loved the realness of your post today.
    Just reminding you (and I’m sure you already know this), you’re not alone.. there are a lot of people out there who understand.

    Thanks for being honest, and for being who you are, where you are.

  6. I think sometimes, SOMETIMES, ‘gospel-izing’ can be a bit like self-saving. Supposedly Mark Twain used to have recurring dreams of lying in bed and being crushed by a giant Bible. Sometimes that’s what ‘gospel-izing’ can feel like to me. Not saying it doesn’t have it’s place though.

    Also, could these people maybe be a little too impatient with you? I mean really, you are grieving the death of your FATHER and it didn’t happen very long ago as far as I’m concerned….it’s going to take time. From what I can tell the Bible says #1 weep with those who weep and #2 a long, long, long way down when he/she has been comforted plenty give him/her truth as well. Always, always love and comfort before truth though.

  7. thanks for your honesty. thanks for being real. grief is hard…”pain in this life doesn’t always mean I’m not loving Jesus.” Amen. Praying that you will continue to experience the comfort of the Lord in these moments.

  8. Bless you for your honesty. It is vital to keep reminding people that the Gospel, as precious as it is, can be misused. We may mean well, but we end up doing more harm than good if we misuse it.

    I’m so glad the Lord is holding you together, even though you’re falling apart. He is so obviously real when He does that, because we know that we’re not staying together in our own strength!

    He loves you, loves you, loves you. Thank you for sharing your trust with us.

  9. That’s how I’m feeling. Pain is going to happen, but praising through it is essential. Check out Kristy Starling’s song Something More. It’s so good right now.

  10. When I was 36 years old, I lost a dear friend to brain cancer. She left behind a devestated husband and four lost kids. I cried every day for six months. Yes, I had faith. Yes, I witnessed to her almost weekly for the final two years of her life. Yes, I knew it was in the Lord’s hands, but I was still devestated. Believing the Gospel does NOT take away the grief you feel in loss.

    One day I had a friend in my living room yacking away at me. She was totally out of touch with my pain and my inability to face the world that was going on without Kari. I slipped out into the backyard and called another friend, weeping about my loss. I told her I couldn’t get over losing Kari.

    I have cherished her advice to this day. She simply said, “Mindy, you don’t have to get over it.” There are no rules for grief, just that we don’t sin. By giving me permission to grieve as long as I needed, I was helped greatly.

    Believing in Jesus is also suffering as He suffered. He was a Man of Sorrows and acquainted with grief. If people hid their faces from His suffering, they will hide their faces from ours. As long as you are weeping and grieving in the arms of Jesus, you are worshipping to a God who is saving all your tears in a bottle. Praying for you today.

  11. Thank you for your teaching today at the retreat and for setting a tone of honest & vulnerability! It’s such an encouragement. I’m so excited for what God’s going to speak through you in women’s development this year. Can’t wait!!!

  12. Great post. Not sure if you’ve read the book Written in Tears, but it gave me a better perspective on the grieving process and really helped me understand that certain types of support are/are not helpful for those who are grieving.

  13. I found your blog a few weeks ago, and I adore coming here. It also makes me smile because I live in Austin too and it means that you are more than some cyber chick:) I could actually see you in the store one day.

    Oh, and I graduated from Austin High where your church holds service- LOL.

    Anyway, grief is hard to ping. Every moment is different and unique. At my lowest times I’ve felt God the most, and still I struggle to explain the pain that threatened to envelope me.
    A friend said to me once, “This too shall pass.” I wanted to crawl under the covers and eat my weight in chocolate, because I knew she was right. But I knew that I wasn’t at that place that day.

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