This post is for you.

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve noticed a trend in my blog stats.  People are sitting down at their computer and typing in the words ‘I want to die’, and somehow getting directed here, to my blog.

So, this post is for you – the person who wants to die.  There are a couple of things I want to tell you.

I understand wanting to die.

I know how it feels to want to die.

I know what hopelessness tastes like. I know how much the world weighs when it disappoints you.  I know how guilt and shame and despair can press in from all corners.  I know how it feels to wake up and find yourself in a life that is so far from all the things you hoped and dreamed as a kid.

I understand looking to google for answers.

When I was 23 I was dealing with the fall out from a failed relationship and I had a crazy job and I was just trying some how to keep my head above the water and get through the day.

I would sit at my desk and I would feel like I was drowning.  So, in an effort to grab on to something, I would Google all the thoughts spinning around my head.  I would type in the questions I had, hoping that God would somehow direct the responses that came up; I thought that the universe would somehow send me some encouragement or direction through a search engine.

I’m glad your search led you here.

I don’t think that’s the best way to get answers and I don’t think that’s the best way God talks.  But I do believe He directed you here today.  I believe He has brought you here because He wants you to know that there is a better hope than the one you’ve trusted in till now.

There is a source of hope that doesn’t fail.

I know that life seems dark and bleak and ‘hope’ seems like something for those naive optimists who don’t know the depths of your world.  But there is a hope that is strong and wide and deep and real enough to hold you up today.

Look – I’ve been you.

I know that Christianity sounds like a cheesy and convenient answer with no real practical application.

But, it’s not cheesy for me to look at you even now through this screen and tell you the one thing you think but don’t want to believe: you’re right.  If you feel like a failure, you’re right.  If you feel like you’ve blown it: you’re right.  If you feel like you’re hopeless: you’re right.

I don’t know what you’ve heard about the gospel, but here’s what’s true: God has brought you to this place in your life because of His grace.  It is the kindest thing He could do to show you that you’re a failure.

He shows you that in love because He wants you to grasp that your relationships, and your job and your family are even your own heart are not a good place to put your hope.  He wants you to know that.

He delivers the afflicted by their affliction.

This is part of His plan – that you would recognize that you aren’t a good source of hope.

He’s not some masochistic God.  He doesn’t just want you to feel bad about life and yourself so that you want to die.  He wants to take you to a place where you’re willing to die to all those things that you have turned to for so long and put your trust in the only thing that can eternally fill you.

You feel like a screw-up because you are a screw-up.  And you feel like it’s not okay to be a screw–up because it’s not okay. It’s cost you unity with  the only Being you ever truly needed, and that break is the root of all your insecurity, all your despair and all your shame.

But the good new is: He is not a failure.  He has done everything right, and if you’re willing, He’ll switch resumes with you.  If you trust in Him, He is able to pay for all your mistakes and use even your brokeneness to make for you a life that is better.  He will restore your fractured relationship with Him.

He’s willing to give you Himself.

He is joy.  And after all, that’s what you want.  That’s what you’re searching for. That’s why you’re willing to end your life because nothingness seems preferable to pain.  You’re like the rest of us – you just want to be happy.

I’m telling you that He is the key to your joy.

My comfort and warning for you is the same.

You want to die.  You will soon enough.  There is coming a day when you do die, whether you want to or not.  Your destination is set. It’s 100% guaranteed that you will die.  So, why not hold off for a day and consider if you might be wrong about the source of hope and joy and peace and love in this life?

There is nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I would recommend grabbing a Bible and just starting somewhere.  Read about the guy that you’ve heard about your whole life.  Read His version of Himself.  Let Him tell you who He is.

And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” And he said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son.(Revelation 21:5-7)

The promise in that text is powerful.  It’s for the thirsty.  So thirst.

Praying for you.  With all of my heart.

5 thoughts on “This post is for you.

  1. I wonder if you have church wounds? I wonder if, the very place that is suppose to be a hospital for sinners, the very place God said was ok to expect to actually be church, I wonder if you have any hurt from there? Just curious.

    1. Hey Susan!

      I know a lot of folks out there really do, so I always try to get behind their world view. I’m personally so blessed to be a part of a church that actually strives to be the church. I know so many people feel failed by the church and their community. My community has been amazing. They are there at every turn with grace and rebuke to spur me on and I’m so very thankful for them.

      I love the Church. I think it’s God’s design to bless the believer and a necessary part of their perseverance. I also think the church is made up of sinners, and I would hate for anyone to expect to find ‘perfection’ in a church. Find people who love God and then love them. Augustine said: ‘the Church is a whore, but she’s also my mother’.

      I am crazy about God’s bride and I want to be a part of personally and corporately making her more ready for His return. I’m very very pro-local church. 🙂

    2. Susan,

      I know this question was meant for fabulous Fabs, but I’m just curious.. have you been hurt by the church?? I know I have!!!!

  2. Just FYI, I was seriously stung by people at your church that you speak so highly of. Yes, I believe we should love the local church, but I am very hesitant to ever suggest anyone go to that church based on my experiences. I struggle with why people can have vastly different experiences in the same church. Some get into the inner circle of churches. Others are outcasts. People at your church would preach these same things you share in your posts with me. Say how great the church is. And then, those same people–several with whom I would share my struggles–would say, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” and turn to make weekend plans with other people (yes, this happened multiple times from people who should know better.) I once believed God for everything and now I struggle to believe for anything b/c I have been burned by every. Christian. I. know. except the ones in my family. I write this wanting to love the church…even moreso, my soul cries out to deeply believe God again. But I also hurt (like literal pain in my heart) and terrified for the people who have shared this experience. This isn’t just about me….but about people who…..I don’t even know how to finish that.

    1. Hey Janie!

      So sorry to hear that. Gosh, I do pray that the church will grow and be able to be a better reflection of Jesus. I know, through His grace – that will be the case.

      My encouragement to you would be that the church is made up of sinners. I know everyone should ‘know better’. But I ‘know better’ about a billion sins that I still yield to far too frequently. I know so many people have been burned by the church and my encouragement to them would be to let the failure of humans drive you to the arms of a God who will not fail. When people are unable to be there for you in the way you think they ought, turn to God who is always there.

      Even though it’s so painful to be disappointed by other believers, we have to remember that even their failure to meet our expectations is an opportunity to press into the grace we get from God.

      I want to promise you that there is a church out there made up of Christians who will not fail you, but I don’t believe in such a church. I don’t know of a place this side of heaven where you will be safe from what you fear. People are not Christ. And that is both the best and worst thing about them.

      I would love to talk to you more about this, and apologize again on behalf of my church for any ways we have failed you. If you feel comfortable, please email me and I’d love to respond!

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