Over the past couple of weeks I’ve noticed a trend in my blog stats. People are sitting down at their computer and typing in the words ‘I want to die’, and somehow getting directed here, to my blog.
So, this post is for you – the person who wants to die. There are a couple of things I want to tell you.
I understand wanting to die.
I know how it feels to want to die.
I know what hopelessness tastes like. I know how much the world weighs when it disappoints you. I know how guilt and shame and despair can press in from all corners. I know how it feels to wake up and find yourself in a life that is so far from all the things you hoped and dreamed as a kid.
I understand looking to google for answers.
When I was 23 I was dealing with the fall out from a failed relationship and I had a crazy job and I was just trying some how to keep my head above the water and get through the day.
I would sit at my desk and I would feel like I was drowning. So, in an effort to grab on to something, I would Google all the thoughts spinning around my head. I would type in the questions I had, hoping that God would somehow direct the responses that came up; I thought that the universe would somehow send me some encouragement or direction through a search engine.
I’m glad your search led you here.
I don’t think that’s the best way to get answers and I don’t think that’s the best way God talks. But I do believe He directed you here today. I believe He has brought you here because He wants you to know that there is a better hope than the one you’ve trusted in till now.
There is a source of hope that doesn’t fail.
I know that life seems dark and bleak and ‘hope’ seems like something for those naive optimists who don’t know the depths of your world. But there is a hope that is strong and wide and deep and real enough to hold you up today.
Look – I’ve been you.
I know that Christianity sounds like a cheesy and convenient answer with no real practical application.
But, it’s not cheesy for me to look at you even now through this screen and tell you the one thing you think but don’t want to believe: you’re right. If you feel like a failure, you’re right. If you feel like you’ve blown it: you’re right. If you feel like you’re hopeless: you’re right.
I don’t know what you’ve heard about the gospel, but here’s what’s true: God has brought you to this place in your life because of His grace. It is the kindest thing He could do to show you that you’re a failure.
He shows you that in love because He wants you to grasp that your relationships, and your job and your family are even your own heart are not a good place to put your hope. He wants you to know that.
He delivers the afflicted by their affliction.
This is part of His plan – that you would recognize that you aren’t a good source of hope.
He’s not some masochistic God. He doesn’t just want you to feel bad about life and yourself so that you want to die. He wants to take you to a place where you’re willing to die to all those things that you have turned to for so long and put your trust in the only thing that can eternally fill you.
You feel like a screw-up because you are a screw-up. And you feel like it’s not okay to be a screw–up because it’s not okay. It’s cost you unity with the only Being you ever truly needed, and that break is the root of all your insecurity, all your despair and all your shame.
But the good new is: He is not a failure. He has done everything right, and if you’re willing, He’ll switch resumes with you. If you trust in Him, He is able to pay for all your mistakes and use even your brokeneness to make for you a life that is better. He will restore your fractured relationship with Him.
He’s willing to give you Himself.
He is joy. And after all, that’s what you want. That’s what you’re searching for. That’s why you’re willing to end your life because nothingness seems preferable to pain. You’re like the rest of us – you just want to be happy.
I’m telling you that He is the key to your joy.
My comfort and warning for you is the same.
You want to die. You will soon enough. There is coming a day when you do die, whether you want to or not. Your destination is set. It’s 100% guaranteed that you will die. So, why not hold off for a day and consider if you might be wrong about the source of hope and joy and peace and love in this life?
There is nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I would recommend grabbing a Bible and just starting somewhere. Read about the guy that you’ve heard about your whole life. Read His version of Himself. Let Him tell you who He is.
And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” And he said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son.(Revelation 21:5-7)
The promise in that text is powerful. It’s for the thirsty. So thirst.
Praying for you. With all of my heart.