Okay. So, a lot going on in my head tonight.
It’s been quite a week. I am emotionally exhausted and let me tell you – as someone who has a hard time admitting I can be emotional – that is saying something.
I have honestly had jobs where I would never think of crying at work, (believe it or not current co-workers!) But my current job is not one of them. Working at a church will make you less professional than anything else in the world. Because to be good at what you do at a church, you have to be constantly reminded by God that you’re not good at anything.
After two years I know that my best fruit, my best days have been those days when I am so leveled that I don’t just ‘know’, but I actually ‘believe’ that apart from His grace, I am bankrupt of all skills, gifts, insight, talents. And those are actually the most joyful days. It’s the days leading up to those ones that can be a little more challenging.
So I have days where I cry. Because it’s hard. I don’t mean that it’s hard getting to do what I do, I mean that it’s hard being faced with your own sin nature and being faced with sin in others who you want to be a testimony to the idea that we can outgrow sin. And then they don’t testify to that. And so you cry.
And then you see that maybe they testify to something better. Maybe they – maybe I – testify to a God whose grace is bigger than I dared to imagine and deeper than I dared to hope: sufficient to save and sufficient to sanctify.
And maybe we testify to the power of God to use broken vessels. And maybe we testify that God is our qualification and His Gospel is our resume and His Spirit and His fruits are our encouragement and assurance.
Honestly – I’m thinking maybe ministry is like marriage. I don’t know because I’ve never been married (but I am currently accepting proposals 😉 ) I’m starting to think that because family is a weird and crazy thing. Family can feel like the best thing in this world, and the hardest thing ever. And I work with my family.
There might be nothing better this side of Heaven then the way I spent my day today: sitting in a coffee shop with people I respect and who would honestly die for me, and who I think I might really die for, and talking about God and His promises and making plans to tell others these things.
I’m sure in marriage there are days where you think – there is nothing better than sitting here with my partner, watching our kids and worshipping God.
But, I imagine marriage isn’t like single people imagine it – all rosy and glossy. And in the same way – ministry isn’t like I imagined it. It’s not all rosy and glossy. Satan is real, and the fight is hard, and sometimes you feel lonelier and less qualified and more hypocritical than you ever knew you could. Not most times, but sometimes.
And you know what? It’s okay. Because we’re gonna finish this thing. By God’s good pleasure, we’re gonna finish this. And for as long as this call is on my life, I am going to pray for the perspective I always want married people to have. I look at them and I can’t believe that they don’t seem to know how crazy blessed they are, to get to run this race with someone right by their side.
And that’s me. I am so crazy blessed. For however long God gives me this gift, I get to wake up and go run this race with people right by my side – people who run with all their hearts – people who REALLY love Jesus.
And this is my God, this is my Jesus: the Jesus who wakes me up to that reality.