What kind of God are you

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What kind of God are you?

That question has been tossed heavenward more times then I can count.  It’s deeply knitted into the heartbeat of my faith; always pulsing, constant and steady, in the weeping and the wonder.

I breathed it out in worship on December 6th last year.  Knowing that you are worthy, and knowing that your worth is beyond comprehension, so in awe of all you had done and all you were doing I sang that question heavenward: what kind of God are you?

I whispered it on December 24th.  Weeks after laying my brother in the ground for your cause, I crawled on the floor before the familiar nativity scene and I whispered with fear and trembling: what kind of God are you?

I roared it in January.  Satan took another shot at me, and this time I went down, falling broken and beaten on the ground:  what kind of God are you?

I’m typing it now with tenderness and adoration.  What kind of Savior are you?  To come and get me in the darkness.  To come and find me – a captive in a kingdom so far from your throne.  To endure captivity yourself; to die in my place.  To give me everything.  What kind of God are you?Screen Shot 2014-11-08 at 12.52.14 PM

I wept it earlier today, filled with regret and repentance.  Knowing that I have treated the one who has never left me like a waste of time. Knowing that I have treated the only worth in the universe like a consolation prize.  What kind of God are you?  To endure this?  to put up with my pouting pestilence.

It’s there every time I get a Facebook message from her about you.  And I feel again this confusion.  Wait.  Why is she using words like God?  Why is she talking about you like she believes?  What kind of God are you?  That you can rescue.  That you do rescue.  That you take my favorite people and give them to me forever.

It’s written in the deepest DNA, the most authentic part of who I am.  In the moments when the hair on my arms stands up and my physical body can sense that you are real and this relationship we have is solid enough to stir my physical senses and I feel it in the core of who I am: what kind of Father are you?  What kind of King?  What kind of friend?  

And whether that question is cradled in fear or hope, doubt or delight, confusion or clarity, it always seems to be followed by the same resigned surrender and adoration.   

Thank you for finding me.  Thank you for climbing inside of darkness to come and get me. Thank you for always fighting, always watching, always winning, always wanting.  Thank you for the fullness of joy in worshipping the right One.  

Thank you that I know exactly what kind of God you are: mine.

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2 thoughts on “What kind of God are you

  1. crazy how even after all these years of reading your blog i’m still like “how did she know?!” (what to say, what i’m thinking, what i’m being mastered by, etc) and forever realizing that you don’t, but He does.

    …God is so much more good than we can even fathom.

  2. I am a baby in faith, a complete newborn, and I ended up at your blog by accident a few days ago. I want to say that I have needed a couple of the posts here immensely. Thank you for being brave and sharing.

    This post really struck me. I haven’t commented, I feel compelled to here.

    I was raised in a cult, then isolated myself from a God who had been subjugated by an organization, made less than the devil, and even forced to kneel to the will of mankind. Only by the grace of God did I never become an atheist. In fact, I believe God was teaching me, calling to mind and heart scripture (albeit from a twisted “translation” of it), and building a belief system I thought was unique to me. To say I was filled with joy the day I learned these beliefs were not my own, but were founded in scripture and believed by many, would be an understatement. Even after that, it took two months of battle within the walls of my heart, as God delved into my mind, dragging me out of the box I was trapped in mentally, He carried me through daily panic attacks that left me weak, drained, and physically ill, and finally, He brought me into the light To wake up one morning filled with peace, after 20 years of anxiety and panic and 2 months of pure torment, that right there says what kind of God He is.

    What kind of God is He? He is a God who honors His human creation with the opportunity to have a close, connected, and eternal relationship with Him. I’m terrified that this ride will eventually level off, and the hours a day listening to His word and sermons on scriptures while at work, reading the gospel accounts with my kids, praying in the car, falling asleep to the Psalms on nights my heart refuses to simply be at peace without them, will not seem as important. I don’t want to lose what I feel right now. Ever. Right now, there aren’t enough hours in the day to spend with Him. I never want that to fade.

    Above all that, there is that indisputable hope that the time will be soon when I can be with Him up close and personal, to fall before Him and let everything out, to bathe in His glory, His goodness, His love, and His righteousness, to be wholly filled with light, and love, and peace. To embrace His perfect justice and accept that only by His bountiful grace, mercy, and patience can I be so overwhelmed in joy and desire to be one with Him. My deepest longing is to be made whole, perfect, and righteous so I can radiate His glory back to Him in a way that honors Him in every way. It still takes my breath away when I think about the relief I feel that I don’t have to be isolated from Him any more. That right there is a great honor and privilege. I can never repay that, but I can serve Him in gratitude!

    “What kind of God are you?” The one, true, living, breath of life to all, even those who never stop shutting Him out.

    By the grace of God, we are. And that should be enough. But even then, he gives us more.

    “What kind of God are you?: Perfect. Holy. Beautiful. No matter what.

    And here I go crying again. I lived so long with that desire, that NEED, being painfully aware that I was unable to get to Him, unable to KNOW Him. And now He has given me that, blessed my heart with a love for Him so deep it hurts. I do not deserve this beauty. And that makes Him even more beautiful.

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