Anyway. Here’s what we have in this ‘September’ (if you say so) newsletter:

So! Let’s get into it!

• 🤔 A thought I’m processing [on empty minds]

• 💕 A thought I’m loving on [different kinds of rest]

• 🗳️ A poll [on rest]

• 🆓 September’s resource: [what kind of rest do you need?]

• 🔗 Some link love [journal prompt ideas]

• 📆 A full recap & links to this past month’s posts

🤔 A thought I’m processing [on empty minds]

Guys. What am I processing? It feels like nothing.

I’m certified in a communication model that talks about a specific phase some people are in (me), where part of the way they process is reflection, like processing after a prompt, after a thought. And I think the past few weeks, I’ve been trying to get caught up on work, trying to stabilize my body, and then in my time of rest- I haven’t had much input. So really, the only thoughts I’ve processed have been some random responses to some Marco Polos, but apart from that, my mind is sort of…still. Which sounds like a nice thing, but I think it’s more like…inactive. There’s not much happening there.

It’s a reminder to care for myself the way I KNOW I work best - which is with input. With learning, with reading, and with time to reflect on thoughts and ideas.

When I’m overwhelmed, I know that rest that involves no action sounds so nice. Rest that involves, like, no thinking, no activity, no processing. But the truth is - that kind of rest may not take anything from me, but it doesn’t give anything to me either. It leaves me as it found me; an object at rest remains at rest.

Sometimes, it takes a little action, interaction, push, to find the internal pull that gives me back more than the day has taken.

❤️ A thought I’m loving [on different kinds of rest]

Well, I won’t say it’s a poetic source, but processing my non-processing led me back to the ol’ APA (American Psychological Association).

Saundra Dalton-Smith, MD, author of Sacred Rest: Recover Your Life, Renew Your Energy, Restore Your Sanity, explained the importance of a holistic approach to rest in a 2021 TED Talkopens in new window…

Dalton-Smith describes seven essential types of rest required to address the “rest deficit” that pervades American culture…

While rest sometimes means taking a break from draining activities, it can also be active, says Marianna Strongin, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and owner of Strong In Therapyopens in new window in New York City. For example, spending time with supportive people, taking your favorite workout class, or going on a nature walk can all be restful. The key is to identify where you use the most energy and focus on finding what restores you in those particular areas…

Basically, we tend to group all rest into one category, when the truth is, we have different pieces of our humanity that need different kinds of rest. We might need physical rest, or emotional or mental rest, or sensory rest, or creative rest…

If you find yourself resistant to rest, it may be helpful to reframe the idea of rest altogether. Rather than a passive act that hinders your progress or productivity, think of rest as an investment in your energy store. “I think about energy like a bank account,” says Dattilo-Ryan. “When you’re busy, you’re making withdrawals and not many deposits. When you rest, you’re building a diversified portfolio of investments into your account.”

🗳️ A poll on [rest]

Alright party people, what kind of rest do you think you need most right now?

🆓 September’s Resource

All this rest talk leads me to the resource I created for this month. I thought it might be helpful to have some kind of interactive worksheet that helps you identify where you might need rest, identify what is actually restorative to you in that area, and then make a plan for it. So, for those who are paid subscribers, enjoy the September resource below!

(Please note that some of my messier thoughts and tools are behind a paywall. You can read more about why I do that here, and feel free to upgrade your subscription to access them and support my research/work!)

🔗 Some links for September

For some reason, I am deep in the journaling prompts atm, so here’s what you get for September:

• Journal prompts for setting boundaries

• Journal prompts for a new chapter/season

• Prompts for when you feel like your identity is shifting

• Prompts for nervous system regulation

• Some prompts for getting ‘unstuck’

Share yours with me as well! Always on the hunt for good journal prompts. (They’re great ways to get my mind moving into activity and restorative rest, or reflecting, like stones I can drop into the lake of my mind to get the water shifting.)

📅 What you missed in August (besides the heat)

Below are some links to thoughts I’ve shared this past month! (Please note that some of my messier thoughts and musings are behind a paywall. You can read more about why I do that here, and feel free to upgrade your subscription to access them and support my research!)

• “You don’t know what love is” - a little light rant on one of the ways church has normalized gaslighting

• This one’s for the girls - some reflections on why I have imposter syndrome and some research around how girls view themselves

• I saw my heart this week - some thoughts on how neat we are as humans

• Some thoughts on agency, sovereignty, and last month’s newsletter

Here’s something I hate: the sermon series or blog post on what love really is.

I hate the whole: our culture has confused…

Read more

I’m feeling all kinds of imposter syndrome. I can’t help feeling that maybe a few mo…

Read more

I lay there on my side, watching my heart beat on a screen, just in absolute awe.

My heart is working so hard. You can’t tell by looking at me, but you can see it up on tha…

Read more

So! Let’s get into it!

• 🆓 August’s resource: [the three things exercise]

• 🔗 Some link love

• 💕 A thought I’m loving on [God didn’t tell you to marry your spouse]

• 🤔 A thought I’m processing [on all that ⬆️ ]

• 🗳️ A poll [on agency]

• 📆 A full recap & links to this past month’s posts

🆓 August’s Resource

I’m putting the final touches on my content for some Psych 101 classes I’ll be teaching this fall, and one of the things I’m having students do is re-enact the “three things study.” It’s a positive psych study that found that writing down three positive events each evening for one to two weeks significantly increases happiness and decreases depressive symptoms for up to six months to a year!

So this month’s free resource is a worksheet to walk you through the exercise for two weeks. But hey, be ambitious. Why not try the whole month?? LMK how it goes!

🔗 Some links for August

Here are some links I’m loving:

• A way to ‘draw’ your month (tried this in July and mine looked terrible.)

• A graphic to show you how our culture has escalated dopamine intensity in activities (which isn’t good for us)

• A way to manage those racing thoughts about all you have to do

• Six snacks to calm your nervous system (this is probably not true, but I’ll give ‘em a shot and let you know)

• Most played artist in July (for some reason I can’t find most played song!)

❤️ A thought I’m loving [on God didn’t tell you to marry your spouse]

I’ve been thinking about this very old blog post a lot lately in relation to a few situations. I encourage you to read the full post, but here’s an excerpt:

Is it possible God has told a couple to get married? Look, I’m not going to put God in a box. I can’t say “He can do this but He can never do that”... All I can say is that the clearest scriptural teaching makes marriage our choice—both as to whether we get married and to whom we marry…

Why does this matter?

To move forward, we have to own up to our choices—why we made them and how to be responsible in the face of them. To a woman who was abused by her dad and then married an abusive husband, I’d say, with a pastoral heart, “You were deeply sinned against and hurt. The kind of man you felt ‘comfortable’ with, because of your upbringing, wasn’t good for you, so you chose a man who continued your father’s practices. Psychologically, that’s perfectly explainable, but let’s discuss how the grace of Christ can redeem your situation, help you evaluate what the right thing to do now is, and help you make better choices in the future.” I would never tell a woman who had been abused by her dad that God’s “perfect will” was for her to also marry a violent husband. There is nothing about the biblical doctrine of God’s providence that demands that application, unless you slip all the way over to determinism.

Far healthier, spiritually, than to sit in resentment against God, is to say to yourself, “I chose this man/woman. It might or might not help to explore why. But since I made the choice…I bear certain responsibilities…” Then God becomes your ally, not your enemy, in helping you face the future. Instead of, “God, why did you lead me into this mess,” you’ll pray, “God, help lead me out of the mess I’ve made.”

🤔 A thought I’m processing [on all that ⬆️ ]

I’ve been thinking about that post ⬆️ so much lately that I finally had to ask Claude to help me find it. I read it a million years ago in another life, but it has stayed with me.

I keep having conversations where people seem to imply that the existence of something is God’s endorsement of it. Like, because something happened or is happening, it must mean God’s into it. E.g. there kept being ‘open doors,’ so I knew this was the right thing to do…If God didn’t want this, God would change it…I’ve prayed for God to remove me from this church if God doesn’t want me here, and God hasn’t…

I’ve been bothered by this for a long time. In high-control spaces, this is used to imply God’s endorsement of leadership structures or decisions. If God didn’t want that pastor in that role, God wouldn’t have put them there. Or after some catastrophic decision: well, good thing God is sovereign.

What a strange, miraculous idea - that some of us humans believe in - that God is above and beyond and can work all things - even the most broken - for good.

But what a terrible and horrific misuse it is - to use that idea to imply that because something has happened or is happening - it’s what God wants.

I’ve hated that misuse for a long time because removing agency removes accountability, which means there's no willingness to truly own your choices, and removing accountability removes responsibility, which means there's no burden or power to make changes moving forward.

🗳️ A poll on [agency]

There was a poll done with 2000 folks on how much agency they felt in different life domains, and I thought I’d do a little survey of my own. Personal agency is the belief in one’s capacity to influence life circumstances and determine one’s own path by self-regulating one’s thoughts, emotions, goals, and behaviors.

With that in mind:

📅 What you missed in July

Below are some links to thoughts I’ve shared this past month! (Please note that some of my messier thoughts and musings are behind a paywall. You can read more about why I do that here, and feel free to upgrade your subscription to access them and support my research!)

• Why trusting yourself isn’t heretical - part four of the series, kind of self-explanatory

• How do they know what is true? - part three, reflecting on how some people in the church seem trustworthy to figure out what is true about God and others aren’t

• Whose truth were you actually trusting? - the second part of a series responding to the question people often have - how do we know what is true?

• Some thoughts on cultures of control, grief & gratitude - last month’s newsletter

Leave a comment

Refer a friend

Share

And one of them is trust.

Especially when that…

Read more

When people leave high-cont…

Read more

Read more

• 🤔 A thought I’m processing [on cultures of control]

• 💕 A thought I’m loving on [the grieving brain]

• 🗳️ A poll [on areas of gratitude we neglect]

• 🔗 Some link love

• 📆 A full recap & links to this past month’s posts

• July’s free resource: [a gratitude mind-map exercise]

🤔 A thought I’m processing [on cultures of control]

This newsletter comes to you from San Diego, where I am preparing to present the second half of my research on cultures of control. And I’ll give you the Cliffsnotes: my research suggests that it is possible that abuse can be systematized and distributed with or without intention.

Here’s what I mean: if Lead Pastor A is abusive and controlling, that control will be implemented through cultural elements. Meaning - the church’s processes and systems and language and stories all will carry the fingerprints of that spiritual coercion. And these systems/processes will carry that coercion into every room - even rooms that Lead Pastor A isn’t in.

So now Pastor B - who isn’t abusive in the slightest- implements the system they are taught to implement, with no intent to harm. But the person is harmed. Just as if they were in the same room as Pastor A.

To me - this is such a significant piece of information that needs to be understood by churches and victims alike (and I’ll continue to unpack the implications this month!)

❤️ A thought I’m loving on [the grieving brain]

I’ve been loving the work of Mary-Frances O’Connor, who studies the neuroscience of grief. One of the factors she identifies is our brains’ map-making capacity. Our brain is always creating internal maps so we can constantly monitor where things (and people) are, and how to find them.

“If I ask you right now where your boyfriend or girlfriend is, or where you would go to pick up your children, you probably have a pretty good idea of how to locate them. We use brain maps to find our loved ones, to predict where they are, and to search for them when they are gone. A key problem in grief is that there is a mismatch between the virtual map we always use to find our loved ones, and the rea

lity, after they die, that they can no longer be found in the dimensions of space and time. The unlikely situation that they are not on the map at all, the alarm and confusion that this causes, is one reason grief overwhelms us.”

🗳️ A poll on [gratitude]

Last month I asked what areas of need we were feeling out there, and people commented they were feeling a need for a sense of gratitude, so I created this month’s free resource around this idea. It’s a tool to help you go a little deeper into gratitude.

As I was creating it, I was thinking about how easy it is for me to neglect certain areas of gratitude, and it got me thinking:

🔗 Some links for July

Here are some links I’ve been loving this month:

• A ‘Joyful’ July Challenge

• A salad I want to make

• Adult friendship map

• Show I loved in June

• Most played song in June

📅 What you missed in June

Below are some links to thoughts I’ve shared this past month! (Please note that some of my messier thoughts and musings are behind a paywall. You can read more about why I do that here, and feel free to upgrade your subscription to access them and support my research!)

• How do we know what is true? - how do we know what the ‘right’ theology is?

• The real problem with the SBC - It’s not about beliefs; it’s about priorities

• Some thoughts on happiness, gratitude and some songs that give sunny vibes

🆓 July Free Resource | A gratitude mind map

The free resource for July is below (for paid subscribers!).

Read more

How do we know what is true?

This is a question best not to ask too early in the process of…

Read more

But here’s the truth that’s more complicated than most want to know: I’…

Read more

Here’s what we’ve got in store for this Sunny June newsletter:

• 🤔 A thought I’m processing [on finding joy in my work]

• 💕 A thought I’m loving on [hardwiring happiness]

• 🗳️ A poll [on areas of stress]

• 🔗 Some link love [sun-shiney things]

• 📆 A full recap & links to this past month’s posts

• June’s free resource: [a journal/prayer guide for June]

🤔 A thought I’m processing [on finding joy in my work]

It’s been a little hectic over here. Just a lot going on. And I’m noticing an uptick in stress that comes from trying to keep up with everything.

One of my least favorite things about this kind of stress is that it makes me wish away my life. I just want to get through the next big project and rest. I’m teaching at church this Sunday, so - get through that, and then there is a reset. I’m working on a Dopamine Detox cohort launching tomorrow (sign up here if you wanna join us), so - as soon as I get through that I can take a breath. I’m prepping a few different Psychology classes for a local college I teach at, and - if I can just get a bit more done I’ll be okay.

The wild thing is - unless I take a breath and pause - I might miss a radical reality.

These three activities are dreams come true. Like absolute dreams.

If you hit rewind a few years on my life, you’d find a person who struggles to get out of bed, never imagines teaching the bible again, and can’t imagine going back to school, and hasn’t really even heard of dopamine.

And if you told her about these opportunities coming her way, she would have been absolutely delighted.

This weekend, as an exercise in a book I’m reading (more below), I took a pause and just sat in it for a minute. Taking it all in - sitting in gratitude for this strange, wild existence we partake in as humans.

The goal of this kind of ‘happiness’ practice is not to drown out or repress the very real stress of trying to do all this in a chronic-illness body. But, to make sure the very real stress of trying to do all this in a chronic-illness body doesn’t drown out the marvelous miracle of my life.

So, this week has already been filled with more joy and excitement and less stress and fear. And I’ll take it.

P.S. If you want some of the prompts I’ve been working through, I’ve created a prayer/journal guide for June that you can download at the bottom of this email.

❤️ A thought I’m loving on [hardwiring happiness]

The book referenced above is Hardwiring Happiness by Rick Hanson. He encourages us to balance out our negativity bias (that all humans have) by intentionally noticing the magical and wonderful things in the world around us, which is just full of tiny and huge good things.

“All this good means that each day is like a winding path strewn with pearls and diamonds, emeralds and rubies, each one an opportunity for a postive experience. Unfortunatly most poeple hurry by without noticing them. And even when they do see a jewel, they rarely feel anything about it. Jewel after jewel left behind, lost forever.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. With a little intention and skill, you can take some seconds here and there each day to weave a handful of these jewels into the fabric of your brain, your being, and your life. Little moments of ease, pleasure, calm, determination, joy, insight, and caring becoming neural structure.”

🗳️ A poll on [what gets in the way of happiness]

Let’s start with this recap: in last month’s poll I asked folks what they wanted more of in their relationships, and the majority said ‘fun’! I was surprised, but then I was also like ‘that makes sense.’ So take this as your cue to text some friends and get a game night on the books!

This month’s poll comes from this concept that there are really three core areas of our lives that sabotage our happiness: our sense of safety, our sense of satisfaction, and our sense of connection. What do you need right now in order to settle into joy?

🔗 Some links to songs that give me good vibes

Here are some links to songs that give me some sunny vibes. They’re all different genres, and I cannot explain to you why they give me the particular vibes identified below. But it is what it is.

• A little musical energy - for believing in yourself vibes

• Some pop - that gives wrapping up your workday vibes

• Very repetitive - but gives those nice road trip vibes

• Some country vibes - for those days when you can’t find the sunny

• What is this genre? Pop-ish-folk? - sunny vibes for the end of the world

• Countryish - I think this is a getting your day going vibe

📅 What you missed in May

Below are some links to thoughts I’ve shared this past month! (Please note that some of my messier thoughts and musings are behind a paywall. You can read more about why I do that here, and feel free to upgrade your subscription to access them and support my research!)

• The Danger in the Parable of the Prodigal Son

• On Pastors who ‘didn’t mean to’ - One of the things I get pushback on most often in my spiritual abuse research

• On forgetting - a little love letter to the amazing-ness of our bodies

• Some thoughts (& a worksheet) to help you reflect on the state of your friendships

🆓 June Free Resource | some prayer prompts to cultivate joy and gratitude

The free resource for June is below (for paid subscribers!).

Read more

Read more

One is around the findings from my research that …

Read more

I’m feeling a little reflective today. A little in awe of how little we know about the human brain. And how disrespectful we often are towards the complex machinery of our bodies.

Jus…

Read more

I have decided May is going to be the friendship month, so buckle up.

• 🤔 A thought I’m processing [on the importance of friendship]

• 💕 A thought I’m loving on [different kinds of friends]

• 🗳️ A poll [on friendship and loneliness]

• 🔗 Some link love [focused on making friends as an adult]

• 📆 A full recap & links to this past month’s posts

• May’s free resource: [a friendship audit]

🤔 A thought I’m processing [on the importance of friendship]

This weekend, I’m giving a message about single women, and the way that so many of the systems (specifically in the church) unintentionally isolate and marginalize single women. The problem with systems is that they do more than just neglect certain demographics; they train our brains on what is ‘normal’ and who is valuable. Even systems created with the best of intentions - designed around the majority - can end up, over time, stripping dignity from those outside the majority.

And single women in the church have been saying this for years.

As I was prepping this message, I was reflecting on what drew me to my current church: a core value of significant friendship. When I saw those words on their home page back in 2020, and looked through their gatherings and events and small groups, I realized I’d found a church that values relationships in all their forms. It doesn’t treat romantic love as if it is somehow more sacred than friendship. And it doesn’t assume that adults don’t need friends because they have partners.

More and more, I hear language that implies your partner can be all things to you - all the friends you need bundled up in one person - but that isn’t how life works. A diverse and plural group of friends is one of the greatest gifts a human can have.

And that’s why this month’s entire newsletter is around friendship.

(And the free resource for paid subscribers is a friendship audit I made to help you reflect on the energy you are getting from your relationships and the level of investment you’re experiencing.)

❤️ A thought I’m loving on [different kinds of friends]

Chronic illness aside, I am generally an initiator in friendships, and I know how that feels. More than once, I have assumed that other people’s inability to initiate means they do not value my friendship. With that interpretation, it can be painful - to keep inviting and to look back in the text thread and know that it’s always you who starts the convo. But, over time, I have come to accept that this failure to initiate doesn’t always reflect a value or priority system, and for me, it isn’t a friendship deal breaker.

I love this quote from Nina Badzin:

Here’s a truth in friendships: effort and care doesn’t always look the same from each person…

Some people show effort by initating. Others show effort by saying yes, showing up, and being fully there when it counts (not on their phones, not half paying attention.) Let’s be honest - sometimes the excellent planner ‘falls short’ in other ways.

That doesn’t mean you can’t feel tried of being the planner. It just means the question isn’t only ‘why aren’t they stepping up?’ It’s also: does this dynamic actually work for me? And are these good friendships in other ways?

…You’re measuring effort and care through initiation and planning because that’s your skillset, while they’re expressing effort and care through consistant and enthusiastic participation. And through gratitute to you.

❤️

🗳️ A poll on [friendship]

What do you wish your friendships had more of right now?

🔗 Some link insight on friendship

Here are some graphics I liked on friendship recently.

📅 What you missed in April

Below are some links to thoughts I’ve shared this past month! (Please note that some of my messier thoughts and musings are behind a paywall. You can read more about why I do that here, and feel free to upgrade your subscription to access them and support my research!)

• When the system is the perpetrator - Implications from phase two of my Spiritual Abuse research

• Amaze Amaze Amaze - Some pondering & wondering thoughts following Splashdown

• Some thoughts on attachment, a journaling exercise, and a worksheet to help you explore your attachment to God

🆓 The free resource for May is below (for paid subscribers!)

Read more

Read more

For me, yesterday was almost an out-of-body experience. I could not believe I was witnessing a REAL splashdown. My whole life, I’ve heard about this, learned about it, watched it in movi…

Read more

I just watched the launch of Artemis II. Wow. What a beautiful way to start this month. Humans: we are so, so wonderful and beautiful and capable of so much when we work together.

Here’s what we’ve got in this newsletter:

• 🤔 A thought I’m processing [on attachment to God]

• 💕 A [journaling exercise] I’m loving

• 🗳️ A poll [on rest]

• 🔗 Some link love [from this past month]

• 📆 A full recap & links to this past month’s posts

• April’s free resource: [attachment to God]

🤔 A thought I’m processing [on attachment]

I have a sort of a simple framework I use to think through attachment in relationships (including God). It’s an oversimplification of attachment, but on a basic level, it involves three pieces: (1) how you view yourself, (2) how you view the other person, (3) how you view the relationship.

• Anxious attachment happens when you have a LOW level of trust in yourself but a HIGH level of trust in others. You feel like you need them to be safe. You have a HIGH value of the bond of the relationship, but it feels UNSTABLE (so you frequently panic that you’re being left).

• Avoidant attachment is when you have a HIGH level of trust in self but a LOW level of trust in others. You feel like you can’t rely on them. You have a LOW/NEUTRAL value of the bond of relationship. (You behave as if you are fine without it).

• Secure attachment is when you have a HIGH level of trust in yourself, and a HIGH level of trust in your partner. You have a HIGH value for the bond, and it also feels STABLE to you.

• Disorganized attachment is when you have a LOW level of trust in yourself, and a LOW level of trust in others. You can have a HIGH or LOW value for the bond depending on the day, and it often feels UNSTABLE.

When I think about most of the way we interact with God, it seems like in most churches we’ve got some pretty intense Anxious attachment going on. My hunch is that this developed in response to watching people operate like Avoidants with God (we’re fine without Him; we don’t trust Him). The church compensated by emphasizing our frailty. But, in many churches, they went a little further than just describing our fallibility and humanity.

My hope is that we would begin to believe that trusting and valuing ourselves is NOT a threat to our attachment to God. Your relationship with God does not DEPEND on you feeling worthless. It isn’t contingent on hating yourself.

(For those of you who are paid subscribers, I’ve attached a free worksheet that you can use to explore your attachment with God through this framework at the bottom of this newsletter. LMK how it goes!)

❤️ A [journaling exercise] I’m loving

Love this journaling exercise from @Aliabdaal - and when you do it (if you do it) - one of the ‘rules’ is “you must have 3x as many things in the ‘what’s working’ column than in the ‘what’s not working’ column. That’s a great way to help your brain compensate for its negative bias.

🗳️ A poll on [on rest]

Here’s the poll for this month:

🔗 Some link love

Here are some links I’ve been loving this past month:

• Obsessed with this artwork

• A recipe I want to try

• A guide for regulating your nervous system

• Some insight into what happens in our brains when we don’t move enough

• Most listened to song this month

📆 What you missed in March

Below are some links to thoughts I’ve shared this past month! (Please note that some of my messier thoughts and musings are behind a paywall. You can read more about why I do that here, and feel free to upgrade your subscription to access them and support my research!)

• Control: the abuse prevention strategy that makes abuse worse - 5 problematic narratives that keep churches from responding effectively to abuse

• What if this isn’t a breakdown, but an invitation? (The Psychology of the Midlife Crisis)

• Some thoughts on finding true things to tell yourself, noticing nature, stress & planner layouts

🆓 The free resource for April is below (for paid subscribers!)

Read more

Read more