Thoughts on spiritual abuse, values & some links I'm loving
August's Newsletter
Welp. It’s September. Which means - for you Texas folks - WE DID IT. We have survived another summer. Congratulations to us all. After last year, it was touch and go.
Here’s what we’ve got:
🤔 A thought I’m processing [on spiritual abuse]
💕 A thought I’m loving [on behaviors vs goals]
🗳️ A poll [on spiritual abuse]
🔗 Some link love
📆 A full recap & links to this past month’s posts
🤔 A thought I’m processing [on spiritual abuse]
Okay. Let me get us started with something nice and light: spiritual abuse. Very demure. Very mindful.
One of the reasons I haven’t been posting much the past couple of months is that my mind is a little bit in overdrive. I’m currently in the thick of it with my dissertation on spiritual cultures of coercive control.
So often, when we have a church (or an organization) with a narcissistic or abusive leader, we think we’ve solved the problem when we remove that person. We miss the way that person’s way of speaking and behavior have been embedded in the culture’s systems, processes, structures, and language. Even when you remove them, the same behaviors are re-enacted. People have essentially been discipled into deeply damaging patterns, and they don’t even realize it.
That’s what my dissertation is working to prove.
And I have to say - 😬😳😳😵💫🤯😳😳
All joking aside, I had a pretty significant research week this past week, and I’m feeling that the work I’m doing might have some real impact. And that feels…🙆♀️
💕 A thought I’m loving [on behaviors vs goals]
When I finalized my values, I wanted to think through some habits or ‘goals’ that could help me live them out, and then I stumbled across a Brene Brown resource. She reframed this for me:
Living into our values means that we do more than profess our values, we practice them. We walk our talk—we are clear about what we believe and hold important, and we take care that our intentions, words, thoughts, and behaviors align with those beliefs. - BB
So, I’ve been using the worksheet (in links below) to help me think through what behaviors align with my values. How do I behave when I’m living in them? What behaviors get in the way of living in my values?
One thing I love about this - these behaviors can shift based on the current climate of your life. EG - I value connection, and that used to look like pursuing relationships and time with friends. Long Covid has shifted this and limited my ability to execute that behavior, but my value hasn’t shifted. My behavior has. Now - the behavior I associate with this value is putting my phone away when I’m with my friends, or praying for them at night as I fall asleep, or catching up on my Marco Polos.
🗳️ A poll on [spiritual abuse]
One of the things that comes a lot when you start to do a literature review on spiritual abuse is the problem with the term. There are a million different definitions - even in the academic community. Outside the academic community, it’s even more cloudy. Which means everyone has a different perspective on when it has happened.
Curious - where do you fall on the scale below?
(1) NEVER - pick this if you think you’ve been
(2) MAYBE - It’s possible I’ve been at a church where someone experienced spiritual abuse
(3) PROBABLY - I think I’ve probably been at a church where someone experienced spiritual abuse
(4) FOR SURE - I’ve defo been at a church where someone experienced spiritual abuse
🔗Some link love
The resource I mentioned above (putting values into behaviors)
If you need to catch up on your values before ⬆️ , here’s a resource for that
Top song from August (this made me chuckle)
An article that made me feel seen and sad
Tips for navigating the sunday scaries!
Some exercises to help you experience embodiment
📆 What you missed in August
Below are some links to thoughts I’ve shared this past couple of months! (Please note that some of my messier thoughts and musings are behind a paywall. You can read more about why I do that here, and feel free to upgrade your subscription to access them.)
Values & Behaviors & Goals - I think you can guess what this is about
Values to behaviors - you actually WON’T be able to guess what this one is about. It’s about how values get exploited in controlling environments
You can take the church out of the narcissist, but you can't take the narcissist out of the church - some Mars Hill and thesis thoughts
Thoughts on values, happiness & who is driving your "Inside Out" car? (July’s newsletter)