Some thoughts (& a worksheet) to help your reflect on the state of your friendships
May 20206 Newsletter
We’ve got a cold, rainy introduction to May over here in Austin, Texas, and I am not mad about it. Summer will come too soon, and stay too long.
I have decided May is going to be the friendship month, so buckle up.
🤔 A thought I’m processing [on the importance of friendship]
💕 A thought I’m loving on [different kinds of friends]
🗳️ A poll [on friendship and loneliness]
🔗 Some link love [focused on making friends as an adult]
📆 A full recap & links to this past month’s posts
May’s free resource: [a friendship audit]
🤔 A thought I’m processing [on the importance of friendship]
This weekend, I’m giving a message about single women, and the way that so many of the systems (specifically in the church) unintentionally isolate and marginalize single women. The problem with systems is that they do more than just neglect certain demographics; they train our brains on what is ‘normal’ and who is valuable. Even systems created with the best of intentions - designed around the majority - can end up, over time, stripping dignity from those outside the majority.
And single women in the church have been saying this for years.
As I was prepping this message, I was reflecting on what drew me to my current church: a core value of significant friendship. When I saw those words on their home page back in 2020, and looked through their gatherings and events and small groups, I realized I’d found a church that values relationships in all their forms. It doesn’t treat romantic love as if it is somehow more sacred than friendship. And it doesn’t assume that adults don’t need friends because they have partners.
More and more, I hear language that implies your partner can be all things to you - all the friends you need bundled up in one person - but that isn’t how life works. A diverse and plural group of friends is one of the greatest gifts a human can have.
And that’s why this month’s entire newsletter is around friendship.
(And the free resource for paid subscribers is a friendship audit I made to help you reflect on the energy you are getting from your relationships and the level of investment you’re experiencing.)
❤️ A thought I’m loving on [different kinds of friends]
Chronic illness aside, I am generally an initiator in friendships, and I know how that feels. More than once, I have assumed that other people’s inability to initiate means they do not value my friendship. With that interpretation, it can be painful - to keep inviting and to look back in the text thread and know that it’s always you who starts the convo. But, over time, I have come to accept that this failure to initiate doesn’t always reflect a value or priority system, and for me, it isn’t a friendship deal breaker.
I love this quote from Nina Badzin:
Here’s a truth in friendships: effort and care doesn’t always look the same from each person…
Some people show effort by initating. Others show effort by saying yes, showing up, and being fully there when it counts (not on their phones, not half paying attention.) Let’s be honest - sometimes the excellent planner ‘falls short’ in other ways.
That doesn’t mean you can’t feel tried of being the planner. It just means the question isn’t only ‘why aren’t they stepping up?’ It’s also: does this dynamic actually work for me? And are these good friendships in other ways?
…You’re measuring effort and care through initiation and planning because that’s your skillset, while they’re expressing effort and care through consistant and enthusiastic participation. And through gratitute to you.
❤️
🗳️ A poll on [friendship]
What do you wish your friendships had more of right now?
🔗 Some link insight on friendship
Here are some graphics I liked on friendship recently.
📅 What you missed in April
Below are some links to thoughts I’ve shared this past month! (Please note that some of my messier thoughts and musings are behind a paywall. You can read more about why I do that here, and feel free to upgrade your subscription to access them and support my research!)
When the system is the perpetrator - Implications from phase two of my Spiritual Abuse research
Amaze Amaze Amaze - Some pondering & wondering thoughts following Splashdown
🆓 The free resource for May is below (for paid subscribers!)
