Some thoughts on self-compassion and emotions, plus some fun links
April 2025 Newsletter
I don’t have any good April Fool’s Day jokes. Sorry ‘bout it. April newsletter contents:
🤔 A thought I’m processing [on self-compassion]
💕 A thought I’m loving [on emotional courage]
🗳️ A poll [on emotional regulation]
🔗 Some link love & images
📆 A full recap & links to this past month’s posts
🤔 A thought I’m processing [on self-compassion]
Oh boy. What scary words those are: “self-compassion.”
I tend to think of self-compassion as two main chunks: (1) acceptance and (2) validation.
Acceptance - Christians especially have a really hard time with accepting what is happening inside of them. We confuse ‘acceptance’ with endorsement. It feels like - if you accept yourself as you are - then you will never really change. You will become complacent or, worse, allied with the harmful patterns within you. But acceptance isn’t approval or endorsement. It isn’t a value statement. It’s an acknowledgement of existence; an acceptance of reality.
It’s easiest for us to understand when we think about acceptance in the stages of grief. It isn’t about celebrating that you’ve lost someone you love. It’s the point in the journey when your brain accepts the reality. I may hate it, but that person is lost to me.
Similarly, self-acceptance is simply about facing the reality of what’s happening inside of you. You might have a part of you that feels like God has abandoned you. You might wish you didn’t feel that way. You might hope to change that, or strongly disagree that it is ‘true.’ Acceptance isn’t about saying - “Thumbs up! I’m so glad I feel this way!” or “Excellent, this is exactly how I think I should feel!” Acceptance says: “a part of me feels like God has abandoned me.” Accepting the existence of that feeling, avoiding the temptation to repress or deny. (Because - side note: repression leads to amplification. It don’t work, guys.)
Acceptance is simply ‘noticing’ without a value statement; without a judgment or verdict.
When we notice what we feel, we can move towards that feeling with validation. Similarly to acceptance, validation is not about endorsement. It’s not saying - “I hope I stay this way,” or “I’m okay with this.” Validation is sort of like reverse gas-lighting.
Your brain is always trying to find internal stability: what I feel is real and makes sense. E.g. if there is a part of us that feels like God has abandoned us, and we just keep yelling at that part: GOD HAS NOT ABANDONED YOU, all that happens is that our internal sense of stability gets shaky. Our brains get confused. Why do we feel like God has abandoned us if God has not? Validation is, on the simplest level, a psychological framework that stabilizes us by reinforcing that our experiences make sense.
Validation stabilizes you, not by telling you “your feelings are great!” “You should feel this way forever!” but by offering the reassurance that these feelings come from somewhere. They are “valid;” meaning they are a reasonable response to the combination of things prompting them. And this is true. If we could look inside someone we would see the way - all their past experiences, and their present stimulus, and the hormones in their body, and the sleep they got last night - all collide to prompt the exact emotional experience they are having.
Self-compassion isn’t about solving the feeling or forming conclusions about the feeling. It’s about moving towards your feelings as if they exist, and as if they exist for a reason. Your emotions are giving you information about how you’re perceiving and experiencing life.
❤️ A thought I’m loving [on emotions]
I’ve had hundreds of people tell me what they' don’t want to feel.
They say things like: ‘I don’t want to try because I don’t want to feel disappointed.’ or ‘I just want this feeling to go away.’
“i understand” I say to them.
“But you have dead people’s goals.”
This is an quote from an amazing TedTalk from Susan David (linked below). She says this with such perfect intonation. It literally made me laugh out loud.
🗳️ A poll on [emotional regulation]
In light of both of the two sections above, lets do a little emotional regulation poll. My first Master’s thesis was on culture & emotional regulation, and I think the ways that our cultural experiences (family of origin, school, church, country) shape the way we try to manage our emotions is so interesting.
There are obvi a lot of great emotional regulation strategies, but this poll is about your not-so-great emotional regulation strategies. What’s your go-to pattern of managing emotions that you fall into when you’re not doing great?
🔗Some link love
The TedTalk referenced above (Gift & Power of Emotional Courage)
My most-played song this month (what can I say? I love teenage angst.)
In honor of my Long Covid 5 year anniversary - my essay on body stuff (one of my favorite things I’ve ever written).
Infographic on Disenfranchised Grief
30 charts that show how Covid changed everything
TV Show I loved in March
📆 What you missed in March
Below are some links to thoughts I’ve shared this past month! (Please note that some of my messier thoughts and musings are behind a paywall. You can read more about why I do that here, and feel free to upgrade your subscription to access them.)
Do you see "None of the above" as an ER strategy choice?